Why Goodluck is the Right choice…or not.

DISCLAIMER: This is a post OUT RIGHTLY against Jonathan! If you believe you stand to be offended by the contents. Kindly scroll your mouse to the top- right corner of your screen and click or better yet pull out your battery..iPhone users please read on, safari will kuku crash before you reach the bottom of this post. I, in no way mean no disrespect to the Office of the GCFR of Nigeria.

So yeah this post is OUT RIGHTLY against GOODLUCK EBELE JONATHAN. As in outright!

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Biased! As biased as ‘i.a.s.e.d’ with a ‘b’ in front! In fact this is a diss record! I’m calling out Reno Omokirikiri, Reuben Agbaya sorry Abati and the Alpha male, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan (who has to be constantly reminded by the great dane dame, that he is the alpha male, like did you ever see that happen in twilight??).

I just want to use this opportunity as a medium to contribute my quota to the about-to-commence,  the tightest Presidential election since the incorporation inception of Nigeria (not like there’s much to compare to…1999?..oh please stop). As the truth is, i shall not be participating as i am currently on holiday…or in diaspora..not sure yet which it is…*looks at passport*…like i said ‘i’m on holiday’  and i feel obliged to you know, how do they say this…do some shi*!

So i decided to put out there a soft reminder, some overwatered-amala-kinda-sturv-soft-reminder…hence HOT but still soft!!!…of how hard we have been booted by Ebele (pun intended)

Item 1

REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION!….Abeg we need food, free revolution!!

Remember that time when Jona, Okonjo (another ‘C’rap battle heavyweight champion) and Mrs DiezyDiezy of CashMoney’NoNYSC’ records got us believing that we were Egyptians….

 

Okaaay…maybe not exactly like the Egyptians…Amean the only thing that could make a Nigerian scream with such passion would be the price of Boli skyrocketing overnight. So yah as i was saying, they  got us carrying placards, printing t shirts, creating DPs, and whatnot,  protesting, imagine the sleepless nights, threatening to start a revolution! ‘You know the kinda sturvs that a new nation is borne out of!’ (Extract from my taking-over-the-world speech). All cos they took away the substity! Our substity! *smacking chest* What our forefathers labored for!!

*Clears throat*

Our subsidy!

*pats chest*

What our fathers labored for!!! We couldn’t take it! They had to hear us and they did! At least we thought they did..heres what i think they were doing when we were screaming our lungs off…Jona pictured bottles upon bottles (Buzz Aldrin Edition), Okonjo pictured the glossiness of the new Jonathan Berk Finance textbook waiting for her warm embrace at home and DiezyDiezy doodled ‘$$’ in place of relatives on her family tree.

Did this coping mechanism work for them you ask?

I wouldn’t kn….*Imagining the kartrashians working out their differences with Amber in a mud pool*

Item 2

“I’m coming home, I’m coming home, Tell the world I’m coming Home”….said no Chibok Girl ever!

In all sincerity i cannot even see the funny side to this! How many girls were forcefully taken away from their homes, their parents, families, by those cowards operating to spite all that Islam stands for?…. I lost count on the figure to be honest cos Jona, CNN and the international community was just using us to play ‘eyi-je..eyi-o-je’.

150, 200, 300?

Determine the common ratio?.  (No marks)

Jona and his ‘boys’ Kirikiri and abara sorry abati could not come up a with a verifiable figure or even the veracity of the incidence ever occurring! You know, such level of incompetency makes you consider why slaps are not part of the remuneration package of our leaders!!!

 On a real tho…

#BringBackOurGirls !!! should be a constant reminder!!

Item 3

Boko Haram is not the Bomb as their new recruits have been told!

Taking a look at recent polls, 50% of the respondents (on twitter and facebook, LOL) stated security as a priority issue. Security! No, not Royal securities oga ade, Security of the Nigerian populace, their properties and even basic human rights. All these have been stolen by Boko Haram featuring the Nigerian Federal Government (See definition of conspiracy). Sad truth is they’ve had more hits than Rihanna and i’m not talking about her songs! Al-Qaeda be like Man Utd and had to recruit Boko Haram as their No. 7. Ahmean we have Al-Qaeda affiliated terrorists and you do nothing for over 6 years to curb this. As a last minute cheap and ignorant campaign ploy to win our votes (like realy nxgga??) you decided to put on a well tailored, well ironed, i suspect Couture, military uniform in order to motivate the troops. Does this look like Remember the Titans?? Omo na you get believing spirit pass o!

Just send them in with your words of inspiration they said…to be honest goody, I’ve heard you speak and i’m pretty sure my paintball speech trumps yours (aside: second most triumphant moment in my life after losing my vi…never mind)

L-R. Soldier with no benefits, Soldier dying to get the name of Commander-in-chiefs tailor, Soldier looking out for the truck of ammunition, Commander-in-chief, the tech guy, the tech guys omo ise.

 

If this reminder isn’t hotter than the first 2 wraps of hot amala i slapped you with, i dont what else is!!

 

Item 4

Baga or Charlie Hebdo Roulette…House Always wins!!

Once again we are faced with the issue of counting! Counting as in 1,2,3…un, deux, trois…ookan, eeji, eeta! So here’s the gist 12 people killed in France and over 2000 or so people killed in Baga. Not to say that the loss of one life is less than the loss of a thousand but the issue here was as to how Jona and his ‘boys’ decided to handle the matter.

How, You ask?

 

 

 

 

 

They did nothing… just like the space i left above! No condolence messages, no relief packages or even assistance from the FG to the Baga residents but rather one was issued to Paris with such swiftness you’d wonder if we were replying a bootycall text. Yet again Jona decided to pull a fast one on us to change our ‘undecided’ minds by deciding to visit Baga 3 weeks after the massacre, 3 weeks! Was he expecting some form of resurrection?  Jesus did 3 days, add African time and you get 3 weeks!

Item 5

Doyin Okupe, Reno Omokri and Reuben Abati…3 Idiots. A true life story.

Do i even need to justify this??

They don’t make em like this anymore…No, seriously they dont! This model of idiots have been recalled and discontinued. In the words of our elders, Pete Edochie and co, ‘the dodo in the middle is only but a reflection of the ororo around it’…so really, lets cut Jona some slack, He’s only as smart as he has been told to be..You know what, im starting to feel bad for him…

maybe we could vote for him…*dodges shoe*..chill guys, hear me out…*dodges new born baby*…JK! JK! I kid! i kid! Calm down.

There are obviously numerous issues which could have be racked up as failure against Jonathans’ Administration (Ignoring Dane Dame Jonathan as one of them) but one cannot argue that they’ve been totally useless, i would give his administration some credit on issues like combating inflation, privatisation of the pow…*dodges NEPA pole*…alright alright i get the picture!!!

On a more serious note though, i am not here to indirectly campaign for Buhari although i presume after the soft reminders provided above you’re not left with much of a choice, rather i just want to point out satirically the ills of the incumbent administration as the issues we considered is that of what he did not do and not what he did. Knowing humans especially Nigerians, Do one bad thing and you’re never remembered for the good things you’ve done.

I hope on Saturday we all go out there and vote the right choice, the sustainable choice, the choice you know you can live with years to come and one you’ll be proud to tell your children you made.

….at least something to console them with after reading your twitter TL and your IG and  your Tumblr and your snapchat and your facebook.

 

 

 

The Conspiracy Theory

Hello Beautiful Poeple of Sparta! Yes Sparta, you ask why?

Well, im just going to leave that up there and not comment.

How’s it been moi loverhs! I’ve missed you goiz o! So i’m not even going to come here and front like i haven’t missed writing and getting some sort of unwarranted attention from you guys cos…here it comes…i have missed it! Coming here, pouring myself out on the internet…yes you all have had a piece of me, and right now you having a piece of me, you are so to say…inside me…hehehe….so decadent yeah?!… Well that’s just how i roll! 🙂

I should inform you guys tho, i just emerged form my bloggers cocoon so my post might appear a bit slaggy but just beer bare with me, se e gbo? Okay lets get somethings straight about this bloggers cocoon I speak of

…1). yes, it does exist…and

2). i did not emerge as planned 😦

Well, i have missed you guys to be honest and i know you have all been looking forward to my posts, but i’m here on a matter of National Security…yes, National Security, so no hanky panky, no foreplay, just straight to the matter but first a quick word from our sponsors…

AND

And now back to the matter…tempting…no, i shall not!…im sorry guys but i tried…back to the matter, open and close, toush your toes! hehehe!

And btw how is it that nobody has made the obvious joke about his ‘Porsche’ going up in a ‘rush’ possibly cos he was listening to ‘talk’…get it? Porsche,rush, talk….*blank stare*…oh screw you!

Oh…He bought another one? Well…that’s just…so…reckless and…selfish…and…in fact what is he trying to prove ehn…he’s the only high roller abi, i just copped maself. A. BRAND . NEW. PS3. PAD.

That’s right…you read right nxgga! I’m balling with my brand new six-axis dual shock 3 pad like a BAWSE!

Pfft! Eeznuffn!

Ain’t non but a gthaing! woof woof!

Alas, i deviate not! *Index finger up – mojo jojo style*

Yes, now that matter of National Security. At this point i shall like to bring it to your attention, just in case you had no idea…We all as Citizens of the Federal Republic of Nigeria are, according to the Constitution of athink 1999…a year after World Cup 98, yeah so 1999, Paragraph somewhere , 2nd to the last line, are entitled to our Conspiracy theory one time or the other in our already Conspiracy ridden lives.

It is with this knowledge that i have come forth to exercise my right to express my conspiracy theory as i have it on good authority that i have come off age to do so…thank you @1stnameLastname, feel free to troll her TL, as she is like Nigerias Al ‘JAZ’eeras rep, hehe.

So without further Ado (no Shade), i give you my conspiracy theory….which btw happens to be more than one; buckle up, get your phone charger and get ready To Werk that ass thumb, i meant thumb!

Wait, whaaa? How did that get in here? I have no…why would i wanna watch…uhm…yeah, i have no idea how that got there really

Ctrl+Z! Ctrl+Z! Ctrl+Z!

This stupid thing is not undoing o, mscheew! iwo lomo!

MY FIRST CONSPIRACY THEORY (IES)

1. Aliens Exist: But of course you had to have known this would be first on my list. Its probably like the most glaring of them all….

No, not those type of Aliens

Not them either, that’s just Jay and Bey without costumes

I’m talking about real Aliens here, amean, Kal-el Baba onirin?, Ryan Reynolds The Green Atupa, and that black singing vibrating jello,

Its Mr. Muuuuushin! Na who do the beats o? *crickets chirp*
*water parts on anticipated impact*
*Earthquake in China occurs*

Yes, you see what i mean real Aliens…they exist. But the Government has decided to keep this a big secret…*holds laughter*….explains the hats….*pause for laughter*

what is funny? If you made a joke about shoes now ehen, but i am sorry to disappoint you, i just don’t find it funny…yes, i dooon’t

Okay, its sort of sad that this conversation is taking place in my head, but what makes it really sad is the fact that some part of me is sitting comfortably pretending to be Goodluck…and worst of all, to think that part of me pretending to be Goodluck thinks when i say ‘Government hiding UFO’ i am even remotely referring to Nigerian Government 😦

On to Conspiracy no.2

2. Nigerian Leaders are the reason why Nigeria is failing as a Nation: I’m still hung up on the fact that we don’t have Nigerian childrens’ book authors milking this genre out, amean you’d be like the Dr. Seuss of Nigeria dude! But on a real tho, when next someone replies you with this conspiracy instead of just ‘good morning’ in return ehn, you know what you should do ehn…pause…take off your fake expensive watch…look at the logo…smile…roll your sleeves…AND

Are you in need of a prosthetic brain…seeing as you lack one…Telling yourself Nigeria failing as a nation is all down to our uneducated leaders…what do they know ehn?? *insert shoe joke*

Mboy, stop it, i tell you, you are just too funny

….well, they may have the money, power and control over our resources…have i mentioned power…but c’mon you guys we’ve got the numbers on our side…right guys?…guys?…people?

*Cricket doesn’t even chirp*

Gays?…oh darn it, typo!

@orobossy i sight you in the middle sir!

On to conspiracy no.3

3. Superheroes don’t exist: Yeah, and Father Christmas and Mama Afefe don’t exist too abi?! C’mon get your head outta your heinous okay and lets be real, aight…Superheroes exist okay…bus conductors…i cannot prove it…bus conductors…but i just know they do…bus conductors…i may not have any concrete proof…bus conductors…But they exist gahdamit!…bus conductor?…Well, they do have some superhuman hanging skills

Glo, Jordan ,Glo !

They exist! I can feel it in my bones…they are out there watching our every move…well, just watching…i figured Nigerian superheroes are more like in the shadows-kinda-heroes…just watching…vouyeristic tbh…hesitating to actually save people…but they are still superheroes all the same, wanna know why? Its all about the costume

Its all about costume baby! Since we are on the yam of superheroes i would just like to put it out there that some people whom shall remain unnamed…@Muyiskoko @Femora and @iAmOkopie deemed it fit to refer to Man of steel, Henry Cavill, my protege, as ‘unimpressive’ n ‘underwhelming’ and ‘overhyped’…well this is all i have to say to them

On to conspiracy No.4

4. I have to go to the Ladies Room to powder my nose: But babe your face be looking like a failed Michael Jackson hologram, powder that shii again?…nah fam…i know what you going to do in your heavenly ladies room…

But as a gentleman, when you get back, 45mins later, i shall totally ignore the elephant in the room (see what i did there) and diplomatically salvage what is left of our date by not talking about the gahdamn shit you just went to deposit in this fine establishments toilet BUT PLEASE IN DUE COURSE, PROBABLY 15MINS LATER…OUTSIDE…AND I LET A SILENT ONE FLY, IF YOU OPEN YOUR RESTAURANT-SHIT-DEPOSITING-ASS TO COMPLAIN EHN…i will…i will…i will let ANOTHER ONE FLY…A CLAPPER THIS TIME!

All this talk about No.2 sef…i really should go…i know i have always promised to take you goiz on all my journeys but not this time my hobbits…not.this.time.minions.

Brb.

Yeah, i’m back

on to Conspiracy no.5

5. Conspiracies were not invented by non-attention-seeking-midgets: I don’t seem to understand why people would want to believe otherwise but amean conspiracies we all know were invented by non-attention seeking midgets. You don’t believe me, well….

AND LIZIN TO ME! *in Mr Suaras voice, my sec.school intro-tech teacher*

Back in the Golden ages, there lived a creature, not mortal nor god, so despicable, but he ruled the world…he was Cronos… 😕

Hey, what i say? IF YOU TALK AGAIN I WILL RAPE YOU! Well…

So shut the fxck up or I.WILL.STRUGGLE.SNUGGLE.YOUR.ASS. well not your ass, i meant ass figuratively speaking, not that i would actually…you know…well, i think you get the point.

Now that’s a good blog reader, so as i was saying Cronoos, who was, yeah, you guessed right, a midget. But yet so big and strong and powerful…

Yup! Nxgga was feared by all, but behind him..or well pretty much above him mortals would make jokes…and he would behead them and eat them!

Well, now you’ve got my attention

But with time, Cronoos was running out of people to behead and with the help of his council…

hmmnnn, Nnamdi was right, the coke bottle wasnt the end of the world

And with all their wisdom they invented the idea conspiracies.

That’s as far as i’ve got guys. So you see Conspiracies were actually invented by a Midget King.

You’ve just been schooled son! …and daughter!

So well that does it for my conspiracy theories! I do hope to find some more inspiration to keep on posting some more of my world renowned theories but until then…PEACE, Mboy out!

I’m still waiting yo

New Yah Post

Yo ninjas! We made it into 2013! Waaaachannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn*inhales*nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
You gotta be grateful to God tho…you know say you na sinner, me ehn, I gracefully accept that i’m one, don’t even get me started on the shii I did last year!

Tayo: it’s not like you posted a nude or something…?!

Mboy: *looks left, looks right*

Tayo: uhn?! You idiot, you did, didn’t you?!

Mboy: nah, wanted to buh I knew you’s a Lil b**ch!

Tayo: *exhales heavily* i really need to get an exorcist, before you finish my career.

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Yes, yes I’m back again, you know say blogging no be problem…alright!

 Happy new year to you goiz first and foremost!

Shake it baby!

Give us some sugar, sugar!

I should appreciate you goiz for the support you’ve shown to this awesome space right hur in the past few months that i started this quest of impacting knowledge in your lives! Y’all touch my heart…in inappropriate places, just joking…but if you want to, please help yourself to myself..I joke, I joke, I kid. But seriously tho (-_-). You goiz are just too awesome for words, here’s a picture to show how awesome you goiz are…

Santa is black??

Oh you goiz….just too awesome!!

I should also apologize that this post is coming late, I kinda work for Adolf-reincarnated, so i’ve been swamped with paperwork (which i end up using to play x and o…with my self…and i always win!), but i’m here for you now and forever,till death do us apart or megan good wants the D. So as promised i’m hur again with some mind-blowing quantum gravitational mechanical  information to inundate your vast and presently stochastic sub-conscience  into the farthest continuum in space. (Achebe aint got nothing on me meh!) Yes…that was total bs.

So y’all made your new year resolutions and all sorts…drink less, curse less, eat eba less, stop wearing padded trousers and bra….bleh! Well we here at MSEB (Madarikan Society for Elites, Beeches!!) DO NOT BELIEVE IN RESOLUTIONS, its like PHCN or MTN coming up with new year resolutions…welcome to South Africa, capital BLEH!!
Well it has been brought to our attention that some of you started 2013 in this manner…

Happy new…oh f*ck it!

Alone, drunk and with a terrible fashion choice at that, explains your incessant need to make resolutions….wait a min, them boxers look familiar…Hey @chiefpositive??.

We here at MSEB love you goiz so much that we can’t stand seeing this happen to you so we decided to use our Tony Stark like research facilities and also with the help of #TeamForeverAlone scientists  to understand the intrinsic reasons why this unfortunate situation has molested the core of your very existence. A recent survey conducted by MSEB shows that about *insert some BS number here* % of you goiz are single and estimately another *insert some more B.S numbers here*% of you goiz are single and alone. You see there is a difference between being single and being single and alone…*insert  shitty explanation here*.

After conducting thorough research, hypothesis, observations and inferences have been made and we at MSEB have concluded that the reason for your alonenessnessness is as a result of a fear developed by misconceptions about the awesome species known as men. I shit you not, these misconceptions exist and are not to be toyed with.

So as a gift to you goiz, especially moi ladies *gives you the french perverted smile*, I have decided to post something for y’all. Sisturhs!! This one is for you.*holds mic in a ginuwine like stance and robs oil on body*

I AM A PHOTOSHOP BEAST, I KNOW RIGHT!!!

Misconception #1: Men are not emotional:  You see 5-10 years ago (which also coincides with the last time Arsenal won a trophy #justsaying) the idea that we, the guys, awesome species like ourselves were not emotional was easily the number 1 fact in a woman’s thought process  apart from E!, and that time of the month. Our logic/voice or as Van Persie would have it, the little boy in us, in contrast to a woman’s  emotion/voice built up a misconception that a brother didn’t garner feelings. On the contrary n*ggers be emotional now, all that’s left for us is to be rocking tampons. Shii, i know i cried my eyes out watching 7 pounds, Curious case of Benjamin Burton and Yemi my lover. .

oh Benjamin why, why??!

Touching movies i tell you.

Misconception #2: We like ’em thick

*Drooling* What was i talking about again?

Not necessarily, we like our women with a pulse. Let me not fool you for one second, the likes of Kim Kardashian (before she got knocked up), Beyonce, Alicia Keys and Lola luv etc are a sight for sore eyes and the proportion for breasteseses, thighs or ass will have many a man twist his neck , applaud and shout…

Some like ’em Big-momma-thick, Some like ’em Kate-moss-slim…me?? nah, nah, nah…i’m with Megan y’all.  But ultimately we like a woman with a pulse to be healthy, fit, balanced and comfortable in their own oori and groundnut oil groomed skin. Most of y’all get caught up in this misconception to the extent that y’all willing to intern at gbajabiamila diagnostic and surgery Centre to edit your body like you are playing Be a pro on Fifa so you could be conducive to what Nicki and well… Nicki feeds you on your proportionally big a*s screen (no pun intended). In retrospect, Ciara did more for brothers on that ride video than most video vixens do  (albeit through sex but Hey!). If you slim like Salma Hayek, fantastic. If you naturally thick like Toolz, brilliant. If you’re naturally slim like Amerie,wonderful. It doesn’t matter, we likes ya and we wants ya. Say no to plastic surgery, say yes to the gym.

Say No!

oh yeaaaah!!

Okay, this as a New year resolution, i would love to see!!

Misconception #3: We are scared of commitment: Uhm…how did this get hur again?? Moving on. You’d be better off at The naked convos for this sort of talk.

Misconception #4:  All they think about is sex: This is PREPOSTEROUSLY UNTRUE AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR SUCH!!…We also think about football, music, borli then sex *chops slap* Okay, who am i kidding, we think about sex a lot, but not as bad y’all make it out to be…

A – doing it while standng

B- doing it bending

C- doing it while C’ing

How i came up with that, i have no idea!

D- doing it cos she said ‘D’

What na??…. People have different ways of learning the alphabets.

Stop tryna zoom you perv!

Admittedly goiz take much pride in knowing about that time of the month *clears throat* so as to know when and when not to get busy, but we do think outside the bed box. Our research indicates that while the getting busy aspect is crucial and integral to most male species tho its only 5-45 mins (P.R) a night ( or every two nights, or a week, or at worst a month, God forbid a year!)  they need more to think about like feeling the solidity of a relationship (awwwwwhatever!). You will find that the we care about the nurturing, conversation, love and other things you do more than getting busy…we are still G’s yo! Then there’s football, music and borli.

Misconception #5: All men cheat: Well *scratching head*, its been like that since time immemorial. Remember Adam and Eve?  where did you think Adam went while Eve was wacking apple….ahaaa, you are getting me. Definitely not to shoprite na.  Buy detergent to wash kini? Leaf abi.  Lets be real tho, not all men cheat, want to know why?….we are too busy playing FM, Fifa 13 and COD…shii is intense. Any guy that cheats, i promise you doesn’t have a console. If you want to stop your man…say it after me…your man…not cindys man,or bose or ada or quincy or vicky or bolanle or kadeejahs man…your man! from cheating and giving you all the love you require,  Buy.Him. A.Console. (preferably a ps3, a wii is asking for a breakup so don’t ifun tink it woman!). If he already has a console and still persists with the criminal act called cheating, babe the problem is YOU and its either one of the following;

1. You wanted to look like this

L-R Cindy,Bose, Ada, Quincy, Vicky, Bolanle, Kadeejah

but you ended up looking like this…

Nice A.Cs up there

OR

2.  Number 1.

If this is your case. Please wait for the next Mayan prediction and play the ‘I don’t want to die a virgin’ card. Thank you.

So that’s all folks! *chewing kuli kuli*  5 Misconceptions about the species called mehhhhh men. Sisturhs now that you’ve got your facts about men straight go get yours now! *throws baba dudu into mouth*

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I just gave relationship advice…next on line, talk show beeches, then i move to banana island then i buy a Porsche then i eat sushi everyday! muhahahaha!!

*Van helsing walks in with koboko and bucket of water*

Tayo: That’s him!! Wipe him koboko!

I’m out y’all, don’t forget to scroll up, hit that follow button! And most importantly Happy new year goiz! Wish you all the best this year!

*wheeeeeekpa*

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tales of the Legendary Warriors

Hiya faithful ( jobless) readers! Welcome once again to The tales of a Madarikan Boy, where we make your dreams, fantasies and miracles come true *pushes back gelled hair and dusts white tux*…giving you tales beyond your wildest imagination and uhm…forgotten what I ought to say here…uhm…curing erectile dysfunction?…no that’s not right, wrong blog…lemme think…oh yeah! Granting your every wish, blah blah. Lets just pretend I said something touching there and you went….awwww. Alright  lets cut to the chase, i’m not here to stroke your mental genitals. I’m a psycho (talented one tho) and you’re bored. We collide and voila!…a blog is born! Simples!  So I have painstakingly taking time out of my busy schedule *tucks Archie magazines away* to give you yet another mind-blowing tale like you’ve never heard, so get your akpotis (thats stool, for my yellow-people tribe) boli, epa and open your ignorant minds (you thought the Mayans actually existed, you know you deserved that) to the Tale of the Legendary Warriors.

DISCLAIMER: I cannot be held liable for the misconstruction of the original tales being told here.

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The Tale of  the Legendary Warriors.

In a far far away Land…yes, after Kano. There was a Kingdom named Singatoporia ruled by a King and a king. Go figure.The people of Singatoperia loved him all the same, swing bothways, high, low or charriot. N*ggers and b*tches loved him anyways. King akpata’aye was smart and partial in administering justice all over the nation. He ruled  with such wisdom that he was the envy of other Kingdoms. But all credit could not be accorded to him for he had in his disposal The Legendary Warriors of Singatoperia.

TO THE RESCUE!

Uhm…that doesn’t look right. Wrong picture, here they are…

Sup??

(From L-R, AtnasdiliChuku, Afiaporo, Ognasmere and The last dude(can’t remember his name)  )

They had different powers with which they kept singatoperia safe. Atnas could fly, increase or reduce in body masss, this acquired him the admiration of everyone but most especially the kids. Afiaoporo could see into the future and make possible whatever he imagined with his mind. Ognasmere could manipulate thunder and well the last dude could…lets just say he had a boner a kingdom could not ignore.

King Akpa’taye ruled for so long that he became so comfortable while his rule transformed into that of a dictatorial rule. And like all demanding dictators, he wanted it all. The lands, the gold and the booty (by booty I mean thick masculine black yansh). N*gger was twisted!

Calm down franky.

King Akpata’aye became greedy and wanted something he couldn’t have.

BRING THE BOOTY!

He wanted the last dudes booty cos he heard a rumour that once you tap that, good fortune falls on you, but we all know that’s not why he wanted to hit that. Dude was just sick like that. Well, the last dude was in a serious relationship (according to his facebook profile)  with Atnasdilichuku, the leader of the Legendary warriors and Atnas wasn’t ready to give up on that booty. At least not without a fight. But you see, Atnas was a strong warrior but amongst other things a perv.

Twisted kingdom right.

The last dude had heard rumours of Atnas’s escapades and this broke his heart and made lucid some other body parts. With revenge in his heart, he hoooked up with King Akpata’aye and this went for a while.

I’m sure at this point you are asking what about the other two warriors…were they straight or like every other twisted citizen of the singatoperia kingdom having an orgy? Well they weren’t.

Sorry Franky.

Ognas was a power driven junkie and afiaporo on the other hand was a pawn answering to Ognas’s every demands. Sounds familiar…hmmmnnnn.

No, not them, can’t put my finger on it.

Ognas plotted and waited patiently as he knew what was going on between King Akpata’aye and The last dude. With the help of afiaoporo the royal ass bashing was exposed to Atnas. Atnas was furious about this but he didn’t want to believe this without any real proof. Atnas got the proof alright….

you get the picture? (no pun intended)

Blazed with anger he killed the king and his lover with a swipe of his fist. This was seen as treachery by the Kingdom and Atnas was to be sentenced to death by Tontofication (listening to the horrible screeching of Tonto dikeh). Ognas had gotten what he wanted by exposing them all and he was crowned the new King of Singatoporia. On the day of Atnas’s execution, he was nowhere to be found. Vanished into thin air.
Ognas was confused and angered. He knew someone had let him go, but who. Lo and behold it was Afiaporo. You see Afiaporo had always loved Atnas.

Very Twisted Kingdom I swear.

Afiaporo could not stand to see Atnas be beheaded so he secretly set him free after giving the guardsmen blowjobs.

Sick I tell you.

But one of the guardsmen who was also in cohorts with Ognas (bed wise) exposed this to Ognas. Ognas was devastated, frustrated, and emasculated. He couldn’t stand the betrayal so he ordered the beheading of Afiaporo. Afiaporo was beheaded and this brought grief in the hearts of the Kingdom.

Oh the horror…Close your eyes kids.

Atnas was long gone so he never heard of the dastardly act committed by Ogans.

Ognas was feared and he ruled with such stern ability for he was the only straight n*gger in Singatoporia. Ognas ashamed of his past as a rebel against the once great King akpata’aye changed his name to Sango and thus began the story of Sango.

I saw you checking out my yansh!

Atnas, heartbroken took refuge far away from Singatoporia, in the ice regions for he knew Ognas was still searching for his head. Atnas took a new identity, grew beards and from then on was known as Santa. Atnas out of his “love” for children decided to start giving presents to kids once every year. He just couldn’t kick that old habit of his.

Perv oshi.

Bad santa…Bad santa

Afiaporo was honored by the gods and made one of them. He is now popularly known as Ifa coined from the first three alphabets of his name.

The End.

Wtf did i just read??

There you have it the true story behind Santa, Sango, Ifa and the last dude. I didn’t want to tell y’all kids the truth about Santa’s true identity before Christmas before you go and commit suicide. Well now you know, Santa is just a sick old muscular pedophile.

That has to be one of the shittiest posts I have come up with so far, but you have to admit the action, romance and drama got you going. What can I say, unemployment is a b*tch!

Till next Thursday I remain yours Madarikan Boy. Out! *drops trousers and mic*

Tayo:This boy needs help!

Mboy: F*ck you!

5 Ways to tell if the P is worth setting

Yo Madarikanians! (Sounds like something from smallville…’Madarikanians’). Another week has gone by and i cannot but say its been tough. All that’s happening is more or less like asserting the fact that the world ends tomorrow. And i still haven’t hooked up with Megan Good o without the help of va…never mind *clears throat*. I would like us to observe a moment of silence in respect of those that have lost their lives all over the world, Syria, Turkey, Connecticut, and Bayelsa. My prayers are with their families and affected. *lock phone screen*

I know you did not observe that minute of silence. Stubborn child. It’s children like you that will enter names of noise makers tomorrow after they blow the trumpet. So I’m here again with my awesomeness! My gama ray awesomeness. The idea that Barney has in his head…yeah, that idea of awesomeness was as a result of him taking a whiff while i was shitting. I swear if I was to be paid for my awesomeness I would have hired Alex Ferguson to be playing Football Manager for me…

Tayo: Rantings of a deluded boy *smh*

MBoy: Pata aye o! this mad man has come here again o.

Tayo: uhm…we share the same body Einstein!

MBoy: ya teacher too!

Tayo: you amaze me. Oya sha proceed, your stupidity ingenuity intrigues me.

MBoy: you shall soon vacate this body…so if you like speak Mayan sef.

See what i battle with all day…soon sha *evil smile*. I do have to say its a pleasure being able to sit down and project my insanity on this computer and you all read it.  Although the pleasure would have been on par with an orgasm if there was money to be ‘channelled’ into a ‘Madarikan heart foundation for the less privileged’…hmmnn…*lightbulb*…my next post. *insert smiley*.

So here i am again, typing away on my laptop, waiting for divine intervention to come up with something to write that makes sense…wait o, i wanted to write about something, what was it again… *flips through blogging for dummies*

Tayo: Revenue allocation; A panacea?

MBoy: Uhn? Na STD ?

 Tayo: Never mind, just scroll up and look at your title Einstein

Mboy: ya papa too!

*scrolls up* Oh yeah! 5 ways to tell if the P is worth setting! Being the Madarikan Boy, the chosen one, yes thank you, there comes so  much power and you know they say with great power comes great recommendation

Tayo: Its responsibility Einstein

MBoy: Guy no dey insult my papa again!

Tayo: You do know we have the same father so yeeeah insulting him, not a good idea.

Na you know o! You see brethren some sisters make it difficult to dersifa sorry decipher (that’s the ibadan in me) if the P is worth setting. You see if a bro can be preemptive in the art of setting  P the world would be a better place. With the help of a group of hard working scientists and the latest operating system software, Windows Ifa 2013,  It gives us great honor to present to you *drumroll*

5 ways to tell if that P is worth Setting 

*Plays Paramount theme song*

(In order to enjoy this post kindly invoke the Morgan Freeman voice in you head to read this. Thank you.)

1. If she looks anything or even remotely close to the following people:

My first wife

My second wife

I know, I know. It doesn’t necessarily mean ugly girls don’t stand a chance of getting a good man like us ehn. It just means that they don’t stand a chance of getting good men like us. Although there are exceptions to this rule,

‘if one part of her body is similar to that of the aforementioned subjects then the P is considered settable but the body part in question is limited to the following;

• Eyes
• Lips
• Breast
• Yansh

Another factor to be considered is the nose, if she has a nose like that of buffalo the bull (noses that can never shrivle under the African sun) please my brother the only P you should be setting is the P on your phone when you text her ‘Please excuse yourself from my life’ . You think i’m being racist abi. On the contrary i am giving you prophetic advice, you ask why. A thick unshrivled (permit me to use that word) African nose is mostly used as a weapon of intimidation when expanded by the female and need i say it makes a good hiding spot. Imagine the gold, secrets and even men that could be hidden inside!

Lose something?

2. If the female understands the wit and brilliance of any sport: Before i proceed, i would like to clearly specify what we here at the Madarikan society of the elites (only people with swegu allowed) regard as sports.

‘Sports: All physical activities that result in the use of ‘balls’, hands, and legs.

The reason for this I’m sure is self-explanatory. And before you ask we do not consider Badminton as a sport. Using a feather to do anything outside the bedroom is GAY! Nahmean! If the female can identify the beauty in sports, trust me she can understand the beauty in other balls apart from that played on the pitch or court. Setting P with such a female is not only worth it but is self-fullfilling.  You miss a match, no need to exhaust your data checking YouTube, just ask your babe

Now that’s sports *grabs popcorn, lotion and socks*

3. If the female is a Padma Lakshmi wannabe: Calm down, shes not your Bollywood crush. For you to understand my plight in this instance, here’s a picture;

My cook

I know you are wondering why this is a separate point from the first above, let me explain. You see, Padma, not only fulfills the categories above but also another category i hold dear to my heart and stomach. She’s hot, she cooks and have i mentioned that she’s hot? Every man’s dream!  This is a very important factor in determining a settable P. If the female in consideration considers Coldstone, Barcelos and in some utterly sad cases sweet sensation as accommodation, you’d be better off getting another female on sin city, twitter. But if she considers Padma as a role model, n*gger put that ring on it!

4. If the female does not belong to the yellow-people tribe:  The yellow people tribe? We all know who they are, No?,  they run computer village, Alaba and the now defunct Yaba market. Basically they are the Mafia. Please do not confuse the yellow-people tribe with the Igbos. The Igbos are a unique race yet to be fully understood. Now, the yellow-people tribe are usually seen performing jobs such as block lifting, sportsmen in agege bread eating contests (taking home the baboon d’or since its inception) and  sometimes sorry excuses for actor turn musicians. The yellow-people tribe are not to be toyed with, neither is their insatiable hunger for Eba. So be warned. Here is their Ambassador;

Its POKO Baby! YPT!

If you eventually find yourself in such a situation and you are faced with the dilemma of having to tell the female to excuse herself from your mental, physical and spiritual proximity, fear not, we here at  the Madarikan Society for the elite (yes, forms are still being sold o) ,  kindly go to your nearest Game store and purchase 5 original DVDs, do not remove price tags and place on the main table in your house . I assure you all will be well.

5.If the female can administer the Best of Judgement test:  The Best of Judgement test for short BJ test  is a test which dates far back to…waaaait…what were you thinking?! And you plan on going to heaven tomorrow abi?! I laugh my left testicle away!  It dates back to the 1900s, when men were legally allowed to have concubines (Good times). The wives of then (God bless their souls) invented what is called the BJ, when a man was done with the concubine, the BJ was administered by the wives to rid them of whatever guilt they had. True story bro. Such a wonderful world then. If you find yourself with a female able and willing to administer the BJ test, bro do the universe a favor and SET THAT P! Damburouba! Ka jiko?!.

So there you have it brethren! If you meet a female who qualifies on all categories stated above. Please for the love of humanity and the survival of our race set that moraf**king P! Thats all from the Madarikan Boy! By the way Happy Last day of the world in advance! Just so you know the next post would be coming to you straight from the pearly white gate so if you get the chance to read it, you made it n*gger! See you on the other side! Madarikan Boy out *carries Quran and starts reading*

P.S: That reminds me we got Madrid, OMO NA DIE O!

My Bowl List

My name is Persie, Van Persie!

Does this not make you shiver at night? Does it not make you forget about the world crisis! When Persie steps up for a freekick! That feeling when he scored was awesome! I could swear some dude beside me had an orgasm, while shouting! ‘

‘GOOOOOOOAAAARGREGGUBOBJUSDCLLL!’

Then this happened!

You know Madarikan Boy must not carry last, so I caught up with the Times Magazines man of the moment, no not Tyga (you win a porn award, you think you deserve recognition from even the pope, mscheew!) I’m talking about Joe Hart. My man! Trying to save that free-kick like it was his sole purpose on this planet. Here’s what he had to say;

*plays skyfall*

I could totally understand why one would be in such a disposition; I got in touch with some of my contacts, all former goal keepers and asked what they all thought about what Mr Persie did to Joe Hart, here’s what they had to say;

So that’s all for the latest update on the world of sports.

Tayo: I no know when you turn to complete sports o!

Mboy: You dey mad ni? Na you get blog?!

Tayo: I know say you don dey smoke something

Mboy: Ode! I will Manny your ass n*gger!

James: My name is bond, James Bond!

Mboy:  Dafuq?! Who call this one to matter na??!

Tayo: Ah! O fe pa Mr Bond

Mboy:That asewo of a human being, MI6 be recruiting  asewos! N*ggers that belong on Allen!  Mscheew!

Maadarikan faithfuls waddup! I know y’all missed me, don’t me mind me ehn. Was chilling with HughH at the mansion. Picking the cover girls for December edition and shii.. then I went skydiving with Felix, cray n*gger! So it’s December already!

Wonder where the remaining 11months went ?

Uhn?!

Warisdisna?

Noooo, please, its all coming back now!

Please stop, please! Please!

haaaaa…thank you!

So it’s December and you know it’s definitely going down considering that the world ends on…what was it again..December 21st I think. I feel bad for you if that’s your birthday cos you go spend ehn! Shaye for boys for birthday and last day on the planet! If na me na  Monk temple I go celebrate am. No booze, No babes!

People go drink their life savings commot o( Americans the clinically idotic ones that is) .  Just in case those f*ckers, IcePrince’s cousins are right I have come up with my Bowl list…

Tayo: 😮 Oga, which one is Bowl list na?

MBoy: open ya mouth there ‘whichwaneesbowlistna’. I know you will talk, mscheew! Is common sense na, bucket is when you have more than 30days to live and bowl is when you have less than 30days, so in this case it is bowl! Simples!

Tayo: ehen…I thought bucket was because when you die they say you kicked the bucket.

Mboy: Olodo! How will you know when it’s breast you’ll be looking at in Class. How is it even possible we share the same body, God! smh

So back to what I was saying, my bowl list. I came up with a few things to do before I migrate from this world to heaven (Baba God, you know i’ve been faithful ehn). Oya bring out biro,  paper and write.

Tayo: they are reading it on their phones, pcs and tabs, they don’t need to jot na, they can just save the page…

Tayo: Nothing sir

Oya open your mind and be educated Madarikanians!

1. Meet SAF: YES! This has to be number one on my list. MEET.SIR.ALEX.FERGUSON. So I can congratulate him on finally planning to sell that FOOL Nani and to also ask if he would let me play on his team in heaven. HPL!!. I would also suggest that we buy Torres and use him as an example of what happens to strikers if they do drugs. YOU.DON’T.SCORE.EVEN.ON.FIFA.

2. Marry Megan Good: My love for Megan Good…hmmmnn…only if she knew. I’ve spent nights with her but when I wake up, she’s gone. Like she was never there.

Tayo: here’s a crazy thought, maybe she wasn’t actually there cos it was happening in your head just like this conversation we are having.

*Waka*

Megan Good love! Maybe I should sing a song about her waist then I’ll get her attention. Iyanya and yvonne sorry tonto!

3.Become a Vampire: See them jumping, they think I am talking about those Desmoind Elliot wannabe vampires in Twilight and Vampire diairies. I laugh my kidney away! Real Bloodsucking Gs don’t deal with feelings and shii…Nahmean! Real Bloodsucking Gs suck your blood from any part of your body (if you get what I mean) and don’t give 4^1/2 f*cks about your feelings!  That’s why Twilight and Vampire Diaries is a no go for moi

Tayo: But you were crying when Bella found out she had to leave Nez with Jacob na

Haa! Alakooba! I swear I will kill you if you talk one more time! Don’t mind him o abeg, my seat was dusty so there was dust in my eye. Y’all know real madarikan Gs don’t cry na. You! I will get back to you later. Yeah back to the vampire talk. Having those sexy fangs, super speed, shine shine body, red eyes. Omo na to go meet Beckham agent remain.

Tayo: You know that’s twilight right…

4. Find out who Ted’s wife is: 8 seasons na! And we still don’t know who gave birth to these wonderful children that have been patient enough to listen to their fathers perverted escapades with all the women in New York before he meets their mother. 8 seasons! Hian! God knows me I would have stood up to say I want to shit! Na until Season 16 una go see me!  Does it not trouble you at night, Who is Ted’s wife? Is she even Human? Maybe she could be Barney’s long lost sister? Is she even a woman, could be a guy….arggghhh!!! UN please do something about this issue that has been plaguing my mind!

5.Be an Arsenal fan for a day: For it is then that I shall know patience that comes with suffering.

Oh Arsenal fans, fear not, there is a place for you in heaven for the pain and suffering you have gone through in your time on this Arsene-Wenger cursed planet, shall not go unrewarded brethren .

Not the HPL o, stop jonzing!

‘I am sure  if the Mayans could feel the pain of ‘WE’ Arsenal fans, they would reconsider the proposed date and factor this fact into their calculations. Probably giving us until 2015′ says Piers Morgan. After I read this, I was touched and decided that I wanted to be an Arsenal fan,  just for a day. To experience the suffering that makes one this strong. Abeg o just a day ni mo soo o!

6. Pray for forgiveness: Omo! I gas o! I don sin for this life. Gone are the days of me doing prince of persia over my neighbours fence to see his beauriful hausa daura! Fine chicito like this! Sweetim!  Okay on a real tho it’s all about God and because of your love for God you will help a n*gger by contributing towards a n*ggers dream of marrying Megan Good. Help share this post so I can finally be with the love of my life. Nna ehn?!

Tayo: see you o! You wee not goan find your size. Wetin you fit give am sef, u think it is by Barcelos bread and 1500 rice at the place ehn. Dead guy!

 

I swear I wee kill you today!!! Come here!

Anyways that’s all for now good people. Enjoy the last 11days on the planet! Pick up a cause, pray, live, love, be loved and most importantly eat Boli and Epa! Till we meet in heaven I remain yours presidentially Madarikan Boy!

Madarikan Boy out!

Gandalf: Are you ready for a journey beyond these lands?

Mboy: You early gaan o

To be or not to be gay?! , That is the question!

Disclaimer: The views expressed on this post are solely those of the author (me) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the authors employers  unemployers *Help a brother out, preferably Mobil*. Please note that the following post might be deemed offensive. If you do find it offensive, kindly make sure it is for the right reason and not a I-think-I-might-be-gay  sexually related reason. Oh yea…I cannot be held liable for any action or damage brought upon by this post (that’s what @detolani said o or was it the other way round, if you disagree find am go twitter). Please also note that the post should be taken lightly as it does not represent in any manner the writers affiliation to any cause,sexual orientation and whatnot. please note this is probably the longest post I’ve had up in a while but er…who cares…if you people can listen to tonto better be ready to read this! That’s one long ass disclaimer! You’ll see why now. Before i proceed i should apologise for my absentednessnessness….been very busy…doing important…er…stuff *hides superstrikers comics*. Making and keeping appointment isn’t exactly my thing, it kinda alludes my Mike-Ross-like-mind. So down to today’s post! Homosexuality; A sexual attraction to persons of the same-sex. What a creepy way to start a post right…settle down, I’m not here advocating for gay rights or neither do I believe that they shouldn’t have. I got a direct order from Zeus (yes from god of war *shrugs*) himself to send this through. True story guys. For the record I am completely indifferent about gay guys and fanta drinkers *just thought I’d put that out there*. In fact if a guy decides to check me out I think and only think it increases my market value as a hot guy *takes off shirt and attempts to flex*. So here’s what Zeus had to say

“Mboy my nigger! Waddup! You been killing it with your posts mehn! Athena love’s your sh**! But so much gay sh** be going on down there thats make our orgies look like arsenal is playing! What could be worse?!. So i decided to send this to you mortals (excluding you mboy, we cool like that)…Heed my warnings mortals! You shall soon be gathered here at Mount Olympus Kinky (change of address, aries still pissed about the whole god of war h not to rub my sheer awesomeness in your faces (undertone:I will still do that) or how awesome my thundershtick is (right athena?!) but to tell you of the injustice being expressed by very mortals amongst you whom I have bestowed and decided to show the art of awesomeness…*this is where you gasp in disbelief*…oh yes, mortals who have tainted awesomeness with homosexualism…*yea, you gasp in disbelief here also*. Cos of s**t like this sango is contesting for my post (imagine sango! that Nigger is uglier than balotelli! Besides Athena knows I can do more than spitting thunder with my mouth). K

Kratos is right here beside me and trust a nigga to be unhappy (not like he’s ever happy, i fear he’s going to kill me someday), he’s been begging me to come and end such treachery, such heinous betrayal blah blah but being the awesome immortal that I am I have decided to send this to a young man (that is me) befitting to deliver this message and besides I know Kratos is just pissed y’all rated seal sexier! Only if he knew I voted too. So heed the warnings of the young man for he speaks with such wisdom and besides he’s just plain awesome. I’m out! Poseidon hosting an orgy…wooohhhhhoooooo!” I had to put that up there for you mortals. That’s straight from Zeus100BCthundershtickfortheladies@gmail.com (aka Baba isale). True story guys. Niggers took time outta their orgies to send me that, so you def know they ain’t playing…what?!..Okay it’s not completely true. Its one of those weird ass dreams you get after going to bed late on a stomach filled with Samosa, gari and dansa apple juice. So it’s bout homosexualism. I’m as straight as they come trust me! *tucks playboy magazine away* but you know you still have to wonder why on earth would anyone choose to be gay, i mean lesbians i understand but dudes?! Nah mehn! So Homosexualism is probably the most controversial thing to have happened on earth since religion and iPhones(some people believe in ‘the force’, moin-moin and Lady Gaga, smh). Although for the sake of argument you might say homosexuality is inherently controversial as a result of its conflict with religion(that’s an attempt to make what I’m saying look smart).  It’s probably the most common word after Happy birthday  and poko  racism. Not to point fingers here john travolta  but some of you know too much about homosexualism *shivers* *GodisWatchingYou brother or sister.(not sure if he literally is tho). It’s almost as common as going through puberty! EVERYBODY IS DOING IT! Even on the big screen and surprisingly its more rampant than you would have ever imagined! People you adore,talk like,dress like,shape your hair like, even masturbate to! Most of them are…brace yourselves…fanta drinkers…sorry I mean gay! I was watching white collar season one..(Game of thrones and suits doesn’t start until next year, gotta kill time somehow) and everytime Matt Bomer was on with his vintage hats and made in heaven suits I asked myself the million dollar cancer curing question ‘How many babes could this guy score?’ and ‘countless’ was the word that rang in my head until @chiefpositive informed me of Matt’s predicament. You see, Matt has a thing for other Matts. Yes Matt Bomer, for most of you that don’t know him, here’s a picture We look a lot like twins shei, I get that a lot…apart from my ever forward and ever pronounced bugsy (my two front teeth, which my mom has endlessly consoled me I will grow into, still waiting maami!). Back to Matt Bomer,the hats,the suits and his eyes #IswearNoHomo #walai and I thought, If all the men were to be killed by women (obviously with help from EA Sports,FIFA and Playboy) and our sperms were being artificially stored and reproduced(not like you were planning on using yoghurt were you, smh), I have a pretty good feeling he’d be the only man allowed to live (and of course me). Such awesomeness and he turns out to be f****** gay!!! I just have to wonder where it all went wrong, maybe a first that didnt play her part well or whatever other freakish reason one needs to be gay. Not playing the blame game here but ladies the reason why there are so many gay guys is partly totally your fault! Always make a lasting impression, God knows we always do! Legen…wait for it…Neil patrick-Harris-is -gay-dary!! I know its stale gist but it still comes as a surprise to me! For someone bestowed with such awesomeness what a letdown he turned out to be. I always pictured passing on the legacy *takes a deep breath* of the ‘bros code of conduct’ while claiming to be mine one or two salty tales of the legend barney stinson,but alas he decided to stiff me up (no pun intended) by being gay. How can someone who supposedly gets so much BEEP be gay! Legend has it he has had coitus (sheldon get out of my head!)Sex with a female delegate from all the countries in the world (you don’t want to know who we delegated) and he turns out to be gay Gay? Why not listen to jessie j or even be an arsenal fan?!  Suicidal that’s how I felt and the last time I felt this way was when I saw the first (and my last) Twilight movie (God will not forgive those people). Barney stinson and Neil patrick Harris are the most conflicting characters I have ever come across in my life,its like having Hugh heffner play the pope in a drama, pure conflict! You have to understand my plight since he pioneered classics such as ‘how to pick up chics wearing any costume’; ‘how to be the perfect wingman’,and ‘the broman empire’…wait… That last one *raises eyebrow*.Still choose not to believe. Bro’s over hoax. If it is true (which it isn’t) I think it’s an outright mockery of Mother nature and I know Mother nature has had about quite enough of this debacle  and you know what they say, hell hath no fury like a woman scorn…right mother nature?….*cricket chirps*…alright Mama Nat just let me know when you come up with a plan and one that does not involve karma, no offence but I think karma is a hoe going and c*ming around *gets kicked out of old peoples home*

Another dude man I adore and find daunting as a result of his magical and mutant prowess would be Ian Mckellen. Doesn’t ring a bell???…you kidding right…Gandolf??…Magneto??…*sigh* go back to your cave and continue making stone carvings of what would later in future be transformed into music by none other than Ice prince #CaveManRecords (that actually sounds cool) *singing Lamborghini Merci…your snitching a*s is thirsty, swerve*

Ian McKellen, not only taught me how to move metal (Sidebar: I just have to physically move it though…using my hands) but I also learnt from the moral of Lord of the rings story which is; if you are taller than a group of people you can convince them into walking to an erupting volcano, bare feet just for the fun of it, yeah just give them a round shiny object,anything from amazon would do. So it just so happens, Ian is gay and he says the only thing he regrets is not telling his folks about it before they passed away. Really…you sure that’s the only thing you regret Ian?!.  For someone who could ‘give’ any girl what she wants with the tap of his wand, he chooses to ‘give’ it to another guy.  HuMANitarian you say?  HELL NO! Then there’s Frank Ocean. You know I always suspected it…erm…lyrics were too deep…does Luther Vandross or Elton John ring a bell?!….if a n*gger be writing such deep lyrics check his closet,something is definitely not straight alright. Nigger be claiming he confused, you are a black man, we are the smart one’s, that’s why even the daftest black man (who find themselves in such situations in the first place) last longer in horror movies. I trust a Nigerian family to exorcise the sexually confused demon out of his body. Gay, kilon jebe?! *Singing Bring out koboko and Flog the b*stard!*

One last guy, my name sake, Idris Elba. Not confirmed yet,but really?! Idris, you sure wanna do that?! I’d advice you holmes remain in the closet cos trust me I’d kidnapp liam neeson’s mother and send him a picture of you! Enough with the guys before y’all start questioning my allegiance, we’ve got Portia de rossi. I had my fingers crossed until she got married to Ellen degenerate *sigh*.  She’s that hoooooooot and she had to be gay. *weeps blood,tears,money,stone* Oh c’mon really don’t be selfish! Have you seen what you left us with,the market out there is not very appealing o, Olorun!. Why not be sexually bipolar at least, yes please we don’t mind, do we guys?  *echoes in unison ‘Noooooooo‘*  Oh she is…Yes!!

Michelle rodriguez…*spanish music plays*…olay!..she makes carrying a gun look like megan good licking ice off another megan,megan fox (before that perv got her pregnant tho,I knw he’s her husband)damn too sexual! What do you mean yóu don’t know her, SWAT, Battle L.A, fast and furious,resident evil…here’s a picture for the ogling pervs! *scroll down jor*.  Heads-up for my future wife,amber rose,(I know you and wizkhalifa is youthful exhuberance) I am going to be replacing the till death us apart clause with ’till-michelle-rodriguez is straight-and-realises-she-wants-me clause’. She turns out to be gay. Don’t buy it tho, I mean she hasn’t met me.*wide grin*. Its tiring and tasking talking about lesbians when they aren’t making out in your room *sigh*. There’s like tons of peeps out there I’m sure you had no idea were gay, like john glover, lex luthers father in smallville, that guy redefined the word badass,then Harvey Spectre came along sha. He was evil in all ramification until well, he turned gay and his sudden love for Martha Kent began ultimately so that he could get ‘closer’ to Clark. Bet you didn’t know that did you?! I dunno I guess I’m of the opinion that gay people should not be sexy if they are going to waste such a gift on the same-sex. With great power comes great responsibilty not weird sexual desires, great responsibility!. Do you know how hard it is for a brother out here in the battlefield, Hiroshima zone, ground-zero, aluu community, world. Babes ain’t smiling and you waste the prestige you have gained and perfectly good-looking bodies like yours on another man and woman(not like that bothers me)#GodWillJudgeYou. Like every other blogger I have decided to start a series. It’s called The Cougar Chronicles. I know! It should be awesome! Now let’s find out if Zeus is pleased with my piece *gulping samosa,gari and dansa apple juice* Stay away from drugs,vaseline,fanta and eat boli! Madarikan Boy out!

Take two: Memoirs of an Ex-Corper

Hey People! *in a high-pitched gay tone*, Watagaun! Ki lon tuga! If you can read and understand that last one, you need to get out of the ghetto men or stop watching Africa Magic Yoruba, whichever the case may be. I’m sure you must have noticed by now, I am starting this post in a highly optimistic mood. Wanna know why?

Yes beloved people who I could totally French kiss all day, MADARIKAN BOY IS DONE WITH NYSC! Woot woot! And I owe it all to Papa God. It wasn’t easy o. 3 2 weeks of camp and the 38 deadest CD days ever experienced by man (listening to E.L.I would probably be more interesting) No scratch that, I doubt if anything could be worse than E.L.I (I will get to tonto in a bit, that’s a separate paragraph). No more sub-standard ill-fitted white t-shirt (I could pass for a Kenyan fresh out of the drought in that NYSC shirt, no offence by that), that sorry excuse for khaki pants and the yellow (or red or orange or whatever color it was) boots, but I had good times with this NYSC slave branding outfit,especially with the boots…let’s just say a certain conductor is suffering from a new type of phobia, the yellow-boot-up-my-ass-phobia (I don’t think uberfact has that one down yet), uhnhun! NYSC did have its pro’s which first and foremost for me would be the free 19,800 I was bagging. Ok not bagging, pocketing at the end of each month. It made a world of difference, FYI Free money is awesome, guess that explains the politicians!

Hey self-righteous you, Don’t give me that ‘we worked for it’ speech, maybe somewhere like Kaduna or Katsina where staying alive was job enough then I guess that counts but here in Lagos it was like drug money or getting paid for explaining how terrible a rapper Ice prince is, you don’t have to break a sweat! Before you get all morally justifying on me about the Kaduna and Katsina line, ask yourself this very crucial question ‘Do I have to be an a*s all the time?’
I digress not! I have been told to lay off the ice prince jokes… but then he came out with  Aboki…need I say more??! *sigh* sha Ice prince is my guy *singing before getting shot*. Rest my case. I am a typical ‘do-not- follow-the-bandwagon’ kinda guy rather I’m more of a ‘burn-down-the-bandwagon-if-it-sounds-like-s**t’ kinda guy and Ice prince with no doubt is s**t! This brings me to the next issue for today. No not about Ice Prince, but Gov.Fashola and his elitist policies. E don happen o, my oga don fuck up, big time, e fall my hand, marsh line o! He has done the unthinkable. You know what he did na.  At this point I would like to say if you do not have a strong threshold for bad news please stop reading, if you proceed, you do so at your own risk. Brace yourselves…..HE…HAS…BANNED…OKADAS!!! *screaming and crying like Shia le beouf*. No text message, ping, whatsapp message, tweet, Facebook message, MySpace, hi5, or even a poke to notify me. I found out the hard way. Walked practically the whole of Ikeja, searching for a bike like Kim Kardashian searching for her virginity brain, fruitless. I frankly believe that Okadas are a necessary evil a fast pacing populace such as Lagos cannot do without (this is an ‘only when I’m not driving state of mind’). Ask the guy that almost missed his interview, or the guy that almost missed the birth of his child, or the babe that fakes she’s in a metro cab when she dey fire tuski come meet you,  or even you that almost shat your pants. We need them. They are like Superheroes only with Body Odour and KKK lynching and mobbing skills. Looking at it economically, i dont think its a smart move considering the fact that Lagos like other metropolitan cities in the world thrive on free-market economy. Okadas are part of our ethos and i believe the pragmatic solution rather banning them would be to make attempts in organizing this means of transportation such that Failure to comply with whatever rules  should then be met with the unwarranted sanction being put in place presently. Don’t even get me started on the spike in unemployment rate which this would result in.  I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell you they are breathing maps of Lagos tho a tad difficult if used as GPS…`turn lept’…`lept’ isn’t exactly a direction. Guess we are back to the primitive ways of taking buses again. More market for ritualists. It’s hard to fathom, not being able to take okadas *wipes tears away*. If you cannot relate with all I said, I believe we can no longer be friends or whatever it is we are, kindly close this page, go and sleep and have nightmares of being tortured by tonto dikes vocals! BRF abeg allow make we fire tuski dey go if you can’t kindly provide a safer,cheaper and faster alternative for carefree and car-less peeps like us!
Tonto’s Vocals! Yes we haff reash that paragraph. Tontos Vocals! Ghen ghen! Why una dey weave am like say Baba iyabo dey throw spit na. Settle down, put your Holy water and your Qurans away people. I do not know what is wrong with a lot of celebrities now adays I swear. Just because we they indulge you by watching your highly porous in all manners and nitwitted movies doesn’t give you the right to insult us with such nonsense. “Its Poko baby” Wt* is that uhn?! That song has scarred me for life, replaced my memory of the horrible things I saw in my short time in boarding school and trust me when I say this,I saw some horrible things! Was she high or na near death experience cause am?? Maybe its medical, dead brain cells. You know doctors believe that a person cannot talk and walk with dead brain cells, I swear Tonto must be a medical miracle! Immediately these things she calls songs were released into mainstream, in a proper working society, it would have been considered a threat to national security (if Govt officials knew what that meant sha). Jack Bauer, Jason x, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson would have a death race to see who can kill her first for such an act (we already know who’s gonna win that). I heard UN has even dropped the peace talks between Syria and Turkey and taken this as top priority. Musical Genocide(full pun intended!). This song has not only taken lives but has also totally reshaped lives. I got a letter from a young man explaining to me how Tonto has ‘changed’ his life. Pardon the English. It goes thus;
Dear M-boy,
I haff always wanted to be a musichian efa sinxe I be pikin. I have been safing up for studio session at bros idowu for taiwo oke, ni egbe baba aajo. Hafter finisin secondiri soochool I decide to put in for JAM abi na JAMB sef. Na im my pale gimme money o, you know to paid for the JAM form but me talked say na misic be my way so I carried the monies to Bros Idowu studio. As I dey waka go Bros Id side na im I hia a songs on radio for inside bus. Hmmmn…Mboy, you no go bilif, na tonto o. She won cos accident sef with song o, bus drifa just dey mara enter other lane o. God safe me sha but one woman wey get bele inside bus jus dey cry,say she don get miscabbage as the song start o. Na since then I don talk say I no go sing anything that go fit kee another person or give woman cabbage. Infat ehn, I haff decides that na soochool fit me well well o,so that I go grow be like you .Took care.
Yours facefully,
Alabi.
See what tonto has done to Alabi. Don’t worry avid readers,I shall work vigorously day and night to help Alabi be the man he wants to be (A superhero such as myself). That’s just how bad Tonto’s voice is. Please babe stick to acting, she may suck at that too, but at least she cannot cause accidents and watching her movies is definitely at your own volition. I am criticising her because if she’s good she can handle the critique and be smart about it and come out with something better or just quit. Being successful isn’t about doing mediocre things and expecting people to lie to you. Oyinbo talk say what is worth doing is worth doing well so Tonto what is worth singing is worth singing well.
I guess that’s all the insanity I can put down for now. Till some other time (maybe when Tonto comes with an apology for such crime or Burna boy learns not to fall off the stage while performing) I remain yours facefully faithfully, Madarikan Boy. One love(heard some dude say that, thought I’d try it out. Trust me i shall never again.) Peace!

Take One: The News with MTA (MADARIKAN TELEVISION AUTHORITY)

DISCLAIMER– Please be warned that the following content contains strong use of vulgar, inappropriate language, graphic images and the name Ice Prince. Reader’s discretion is advised.

‘Good morning fellow Nigerians,

This is Lt. Col. B. Dimka of the Nigerian Army calling.

I bring you good tidings. Murtala Muhammed’s deficiency has been detected. His government is now overthrown by the young revolutionaries. All the 19 military governors have no powers over the states they now govern. The states affairs will be run by military brigade commanders until further notice.

All commissioners are sacked, except for the armed forces and police commissioners who will be redeployed.

All senior military officers should remain calm in their respective spots. No divisional commanders will issue orders or instructions until further notice.

Any attempt to foil these plans from any quarters will be met with death.

You are warned, it is all over the 19 states.

Any acts of looting or raids will be death.

Everyone should be calm.

Please stay by your radio for further announcements. All borders, air and sea ports are closed until further notice.Curfew is imposed from 6am to 6pm. We are all together.‘

*Coldplay version of National Anthem plays*

Just so you know, I have no reason whatsoever for putting that up, just thought it would look cool up there hahaha! But the Coldplay version of the National Anthem, that would be sick. A bit of seriousness tho, a minute of silence for those who lost their lives on that fateful day *locks blackberry screen*

So it’s been ages! Miss me. I know you did!   My life’s been a Maze. Just floated my Company on NASDAQ and yes it trumped Apples shares, got Abu Dhabi to sign a new deal with my company, killed a shark with my bare hands, got Piers Morgan to finally come to terms with the fact that Arsenal is a shitty club and you’ll never believe who’s making barbecue in my backyard now?? Boko Haram! BOOM! (That’s a pun right there, my literature teacher would be so proud).  Yup, you can say I did it all, just living the life…*voice fading away*…

Oh Shattap you wimp and wake your jobless ass up! You’ve been in that bomb shelter you call an office all month and it’s not like your lazy-ass been productive. The only deals you’ve successfully signed are on Football Manager, you still haven’t signed Messi sef and we all know Piers Morgan being the *insert c-word* he is would never agree to the truth about Arsenal!

Sad but true people, your beloved Madarikan Boy has been a slave in the hands of the corporate wimps and the ever failing Federal Government, smh. Yes, the Ill-fated program they call NYSC…dumdumdumdumm! (i can be melodramatic sometimes).  Being a corper isn’t funny o, I teeeeh you *in Lynx’s voice*.  It’s a sad story; touching moments that would make your heart bleed. Pursuit of Happiness na small tin beside this story! FYI  the rights to the movie  have been sold to Warner Sons and Robert kpata’son has been rumored to be starring as yours truly,once he hears that we both hate Bella   Kristen Stewart he’ll turn up.

That would be a movie to die for and guess who’s directing it…..Clarence Odili, did Mr ibu!(Completely made up). It’s also got a book titled 50 shades of green and white coming out soon (pervs should please note that everything remains flaccid).  Don’t cry for me people, the suffering is soon to be over, 21 more FUCKING DAYS!!!

 I digress not! I guess you must be asking yourself “wetin this werey won talk o, shei na because e get free BIS ni,mscheew!”  Erm…YES! Be rest assured tho it’s not about how I lost my virginity to a girl in exchange for an iPhone 4 and a pair of Christian Louboutins. What you kids do now a days, she couldn’t even ask for a Mclaren (2012 please) or a Maserati, phone and shoe?? Ogini?! Village people dey worry d girl o, smh.  

Mallam Brother Yaro Sanusi has come again o. N5,000 NAIRA NOTE! GHEN GHEN! Abeg what the fuck is this Boko Haram reject thinking?? He came up with cashless, no one contested the idea o (big lie) but he just had to push it. Why?! Was it cos Vic o was getting more publicity, or cos Ice prince was nominated for BET awards. If it’s for the latter, I understand and I believe most Nigerians would just for a while tho, before they remember that they should #Occupy something. How that Nigger is thinking I’ll buy boli and fanice with N5000 note beats me o. Conductor go dey flog people now! He went ahead to say it’s not intended for everyone. Where do you get off saying that uhn?!. ‘Everyone’ being the common man abi.  That is some highly politically incorrect bullshit! *yes politically incorrect!*  Giving the rich people another way to reinforce their status in the face of the poor! Oga o! Has he not seen the Mercedes-to-Toyota ratio for the last quarter. Ko funny o! To say the least, smart yet stupid Nigerians would take advantage of this and increase the prices of their goods oblivious to the fact that it would lead to a ripple effect,but I no blame them sha,u won carry last! *sigh* What’s ridiculous about this is the fact that he is ignoring the mass furor of the people like we are illegal citizens. I’m guessing he thinks if they could get away with the Subsidy tale then let’s hit them with one more right….We no gree!…. At least for now sha. I gues they are used to passing laws and policies like they are playing Sims city, maybe that’s even how they test run their policies then they’ll claim proper research has been carried out,mscheeew! Where’s Okonji teletubbies when you need her sef??

Before I get a Cardiac arrest on top Naija make I table another matter. So my NIGGER Rozay was in Naija a while back and he did it big, bigger than the parachute he had on!. ‘Shiaman‘ like my Ibadan brothers would say.  But Rozay why you no stay like a week or two for Naija. I swear you go write mix tape tire. But my guy f’d up o. While he was here, not only did he continuously post degrading pictures of Nigeria on instagram but coupled it with a degrading video erroneously depicting the situation in Nigeria *dodges shoe*, okay it wasn’t  too far off from the truth. C’mon Rozay, we know our country’s messed up and all but… how do I say this, na person wey body dey scratch go scratch the body or something like that. In America scratching someone elses body would be regarded as sexual harassment so logically Rozay just sexually harassed Nigeria. Never thought that was possible right, that’s why he’s a boss *hhun*.   In simple-shirtless-fatman-English, you don’t have the right, this aint KFC niccur!

And this is the graphic image i warned you about.

 Tho Rozay still remains one of my best artistes, (who were you expecting Ice Prince *spits kelebe*) but I wasn’t impressed by the video. What makes this funny is that MI has finally found his cue to America too o. He’ll soon go and be doing choir boy like some people Dapo oyabanji I shall not name. He wrote an article about the video and I have to say I was surprised and thrilled to see that MI was and is still talented. I hope for his sake someone at MMG reads Linda Ikeji (most likely meek mills) and he gets called up to Maybach Music. Bye-bye Chocolate City, Bye-bye Ice prince, hello Good Times. Brymo don’t worry i heard there are openings at furniture world. On a real tho kudos to MI (and the whole Choc city sha), wrote some deep stuff and it’s about time too. We unconsciously look up to imitate these people, its how society works now (God forbid the day i’ll look up to Goldie). They should take it upon themselves using music to better the image of Nigeria and not just ranting about money (borrowed), cars(borrowed),that ubiquitous sexy woman everybody sings about (no,not that girl in the shake ur bumbum vid) and whatever other pointless shit they come up with nowadays. Respect to MI!

See as I dey write like say dem go read am o. Anyways I know a lot more has been going on but cos of you peeps with short attention span I’m working on making my posts a lot lesser before you get a seizure reading my post. Make one yeye regulatory body come ban my blog. Alakoba! More to come your way soon. Just pray Etisalat doesn’t deactivate my free BIS o. Till then faithful minions, I remain yours truly, Madarikan Boy out!  

P.S – I let Jonathan off the hook this time! Next time tho! Muhahahaha…*coughing*..ha

One mo tin! You guys have to check this out. http://www.earnparttimejobs.com/index.php?id=4312980

Na fine girl for my office give me so make una help your brother set p *wink* plus you can make money o! (true story).

 My oga don dey look me. Pis out!

Content or Money Back Guarantee

Yeah right! Slow down oga you aint getting your money back cos we both know you scavenge the internet for freebies! You disgust me *doing the Lil Wayne face* But we all know as the tin go,do your thing searching for free porn and stumble on my blog! I’m hoping most of you must have noticed that `The tales of a Madarikan Boy’ has been moved to WordPress (won’t kill you to throw a welcome party o WordPress) blogspot was total crap for some reasons which i shall not disclose . If you haven’t noticed that its been moved you know its bout time to get a blackberry made by RIM and not Techno.

It’s still the same genuine non-vetted humour as it is conceived in the mental asylum i call my mind (that’s how my brothers see it anyway). Content. That’s what I guarantee you. If you ever feeling gloomy,ever felt like jumping into a lagoon,jumping off third mainland bridge or walking into a Generals house and slapping him while his taking his afternoon nap? Well not anymore, just push open your crappy techno phone and check this site. You’d be sure to do only one out of the three when you done reading this. Stay away from the last option tho. Abeg! On a real tho if you feeling like doing any of the following above, you should get help, and delete my webpage from your History tab o,alakoba!

 So i guess that’s it, more like a commercial right. BOOOOOM!!

Okay that  “boom” was totally uncalled for, im still kinda pumped after seeing The Expendables 2. So many gunshots you could pass out watching it! And for those of you that get off on explosions (which i think is weird), something will definitely be exploding alright!

One last thing, Eat Boli and Epa and be set free! Madarikan boy out!