DISCLAIMER: This is a post OUT RIGHTLY against Jonathan! If you believe you stand to be offended by the contents. Kindly scroll your mouse to the top- right corner of your screen and click or better yet pull out your battery..iPhone users please read on, safari will kuku crash before you reach the bottom of this post. I, in no way mean no disrespect to the Office of the GCFR of Nigeria.
So yeah this post is OUT RIGHTLY against GOODLUCK EBELE JONATHAN. As in outright!
Biased! As biased as ‘i.a.s.e.d’ with a ‘b’ in front! In fact this is a diss record! I’m calling out Reno Omokirikiri, Reuben Agbaya sorry Abati and the Alpha male, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan (who has to be constantly reminded by the great
dane dame, that he is the alpha male, like did you ever see that happen in twilight??).
I just want to use this opportunity as a medium to contribute my quota to the about-to-commence, the tightest Presidential election since the
incorporation inception of Nigeria (not like there’s much to compare to…1999?..oh please stop). As the truth is, i shall not be participating as i am currently on holiday…or in diaspora..not sure yet which it is…*looks at passport*…like i said ‘i’m on holiday’ and i feel obliged to you know, how do they say this…do some shi*!
So i decided to put out there a soft reminder, some overwatered-amala-kinda-sturv-soft-reminder…hence HOT but still soft!!!…of how hard we have been booted by Ebele (pun intended)
REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION!….Abeg we need food, free revolution!!
Remember that time when Jona, Okonjo (another ‘C’rap battle heavyweight champion) and Mrs DiezyDiezy of CashMoney’NoNYSC’ records got us believing that we were Egyptians….
Okaaay…maybe not exactly like the Egyptians…Amean the only thing that could make a Nigerian scream with such passion would be the price of Boli skyrocketing overnight. So yah as i was saying, they got us carrying placards, printing t shirts, creating DPs, and whatnot, protesting, imagine the sleepless nights, threatening to start a revolution! ‘You know the kinda sturvs that a new nation is borne out of!’ (Extract from my taking-over-the-world speech). All cos they took away the substity! Our substity! *smacking chest* What our forefathers labored for!!
What our fathers labored for!!! We couldn’t take it! They had to hear us and they did! At least we thought they did..heres what i think they were doing when we were screaming our lungs off…Jona pictured bottles upon bottles (Buzz Aldrin Edition), Okonjo pictured the glossiness of the new Jonathan Berk Finance textbook waiting for her warm embrace at home and DiezyDiezy doodled ‘$$’ in place of relatives on her family tree.
Did this coping mechanism work for them you ask?
I wouldn’t kn….*Imagining the kartrashians working out their differences with Amber in a mud pool*
“I’m coming home, I’m coming home, Tell the world I’m coming Home”….said no Chibok Girl ever!
In all sincerity i cannot even see the funny side to this! How many girls were forcefully taken away from their homes, their parents, families, by those cowards operating to spite all that Islam stands for?…. I lost count on the figure to be honest cos Jona, CNN and the international community was just using us to play ‘eyi-je..eyi-o-je’.
150, 200, 300?
Determine the common ratio?. (No marks)
Jona and his ‘boys’ Kirikiri and abara sorry abati could not come up a with a verifiable figure or even the veracity of the incidence ever occurring! You know, such level of incompetency makes you consider why slaps are not part of the remuneration package of our leaders!!!
#BringBackOurGirls !!! should be a constant reminder!!
Boko Haram is not the Bomb as their new recruits have been told!
Taking a look at recent polls, 50% of the respondents (on twitter and facebook, LOL) stated security as a priority issue. Security! No, not Royal securities oga ade, Security of the Nigerian populace, their properties and even basic human rights. All these have been stolen by Boko Haram featuring the Nigerian Federal Government (See definition of conspiracy). Sad truth is they’ve had more hits than Rihanna and i’m not talking about her songs! Al-Qaeda be like Man Utd and had to recruit Boko Haram as their No. 7. Ahmean we have Al-Qaeda affiliated terrorists and you do nothing for over 6 years to curb this. As a last minute cheap and ignorant campaign ploy to win our votes (like realy nxgga??) you decided to put on a well tailored, well ironed, i suspect Couture, military uniform in order to motivate the troops. Does this look like Remember the Titans?? Omo na you get believing spirit pass o!
Just send them in with your words of inspiration they said…to be honest goody, I’ve heard you speak and i’m pretty sure my paintball speech trumps yours (aside: second most triumphant moment in my life after losing my vi…never mind)
If this reminder isn’t hotter than the first 2 wraps of hot amala i slapped you with, i dont what else is!!
Baga or Charlie Hebdo Roulette…House Always wins!!
Once again we are faced with the issue of counting! Counting as in 1,2,3…un, deux, trois…ookan, eeji, eeta! So here’s the gist 12 people killed in France and over 2000 or so people killed in Baga. Not to say that the loss of one life is less than the loss of a thousand but the issue here was as to how Jona and his ‘boys’ decided to handle the matter.
How, You ask?
They did nothing… just like the space i left above! No condolence messages, no relief packages or even assistance from the FG to the Baga residents but rather one was issued to Paris with such swiftness you’d wonder if we were replying a bootycall text. Yet again Jona decided to pull a fast one on us to change our ‘undecided’ minds by deciding to visit Baga 3 weeks after the massacre, 3 weeks! Was he expecting some form of resurrection? Jesus did 3 days, add African time and you get 3 weeks!
Doyin Okupe, Reno Omokri and Reuben Abati…3 Idiots. A true life story.
Do i even need to justify this??
They don’t make em like this anymore…No, seriously they dont! This model of idiots have been recalled and discontinued. In the words of our elders, Pete Edochie and co, ‘the dodo in the middle is only but a reflection of the ororo around it’…so really, lets cut Jona some slack, He’s only as smart as he has been told to be..You know what, im starting to feel bad for him…
maybe we could vote for him…*dodges shoe*..chill guys, hear me out…*dodges new born baby*…JK! JK! I kid! i kid! Calm down.
There are obviously numerous issues which could have be racked up as failure against Jonathans’ Administration (Ignoring
Dane Dame Jonathan as one of them) but one cannot argue that they’ve been totally useless, i would give his administration some credit on issues like combating inflation, privatisation of the pow…*dodges NEPA pole*…alright alright i get the picture!!!
On a more serious note though, i am not here to indirectly campaign for Buhari although i presume after the soft reminders provided above you’re not left with much of a choice, rather i just want to point out satirically the ills of the incumbent administration as the issues we considered is that of what he did not do and not what he did. Knowing humans especially Nigerians, Do one bad thing and you’re never remembered for the good things you’ve done.
I hope on Saturday we all go out there and vote the right choice, the sustainable choice, the choice you know you can live with years to come and one you’ll be proud to tell your children you made.
….at least something to console them with after reading your twitter TL and your IG and your Tumblr and your snapchat and your facebook.