Why Goodluck is the Right choice…or not.

DISCLAIMER: This is a post OUT RIGHTLY against Jonathan! If you believe you stand to be offended by the contents. Kindly scroll your mouse to the top- right corner of your screen and click or better yet pull out your battery..iPhone users please read on, safari will kuku crash before you reach the bottom of this post. I, in no way mean no disrespect to the Office of the GCFR of Nigeria.

So yeah this post is OUT RIGHTLY against GOODLUCK EBELE JONATHAN. As in outright!

O

U

T

R

I

G

H

T

!

Biased! As biased as ‘i.a.s.e.d’ with a ‘b’ in front! In fact this is a diss record! I’m calling out Reno Omokirikiri, Reuben Agbaya sorry Abati and the Alpha male, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan (who has to be constantly reminded by the great dane dame, that he is the alpha male, like did you ever see that happen in twilight??).

I just want to use this opportunity as a medium to contribute my quota to the about-to-commence,  the tightest Presidential election since the incorporation inception of Nigeria (not like there’s much to compare to…1999?..oh please stop). As the truth is, i shall not be participating as i am currently on holiday…or in diaspora..not sure yet which it is…*looks at passport*…like i said ‘i’m on holiday’  and i feel obliged to you know, how do they say this…do some shi*!

So i decided to put out there a soft reminder, some overwatered-amala-kinda-sturv-soft-reminder…hence HOT but still soft!!!…of how hard we have been booted by Ebele (pun intended)

Item 1

REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION!….Abeg we need food, free revolution!!

Remember that time when Jona, Okonjo (another ‘C’rap battle heavyweight champion) and Mrs DiezyDiezy of CashMoney’NoNYSC’ records got us believing that we were Egyptians….

 

Okaaay…maybe not exactly like the Egyptians…Amean the only thing that could make a Nigerian scream with such passion would be the price of Boli skyrocketing overnight. So yah as i was saying, they  got us carrying placards, printing t shirts, creating DPs, and whatnot,  protesting, imagine the sleepless nights, threatening to start a revolution! ‘You know the kinda sturvs that a new nation is borne out of!’ (Extract from my taking-over-the-world speech). All cos they took away the substity! Our substity! *smacking chest* What our forefathers labored for!!

*Clears throat*

Our subsidy!

*pats chest*

What our fathers labored for!!! We couldn’t take it! They had to hear us and they did! At least we thought they did..heres what i think they were doing when we were screaming our lungs off…Jona pictured bottles upon bottles (Buzz Aldrin Edition), Okonjo pictured the glossiness of the new Jonathan Berk Finance textbook waiting for her warm embrace at home and DiezyDiezy doodled ‘$$’ in place of relatives on her family tree.

Did this coping mechanism work for them you ask?

I wouldn’t kn….*Imagining the kartrashians working out their differences with Amber in a mud pool*

Item 2

“I’m coming home, I’m coming home, Tell the world I’m coming Home”….said no Chibok Girl ever!

In all sincerity i cannot even see the funny side to this! How many girls were forcefully taken away from their homes, their parents, families, by those cowards operating to spite all that Islam stands for?…. I lost count on the figure to be honest cos Jona, CNN and the international community was just using us to play ‘eyi-je..eyi-o-je’.

150, 200, 300?

Determine the common ratio?.  (No marks)

Jona and his ‘boys’ Kirikiri and abara sorry abati could not come up a with a verifiable figure or even the veracity of the incidence ever occurring! You know, such level of incompetency makes you consider why slaps are not part of the remuneration package of our leaders!!!

 On a real tho…

#BringBackOurGirls !!! should be a constant reminder!!

Item 3

Boko Haram is not the Bomb as their new recruits have been told!

Taking a look at recent polls, 50% of the respondents (on twitter and facebook, LOL) stated security as a priority issue. Security! No, not Royal securities oga ade, Security of the Nigerian populace, their properties and even basic human rights. All these have been stolen by Boko Haram featuring the Nigerian Federal Government (See definition of conspiracy). Sad truth is they’ve had more hits than Rihanna and i’m not talking about her songs! Al-Qaeda be like Man Utd and had to recruit Boko Haram as their No. 7. Ahmean we have Al-Qaeda affiliated terrorists and you do nothing for over 6 years to curb this. As a last minute cheap and ignorant campaign ploy to win our votes (like realy nxgga??) you decided to put on a well tailored, well ironed, i suspect Couture, military uniform in order to motivate the troops. Does this look like Remember the Titans?? Omo na you get believing spirit pass o!

Just send them in with your words of inspiration they said…to be honest goody, I’ve heard you speak and i’m pretty sure my paintball speech trumps yours (aside: second most triumphant moment in my life after losing my vi…never mind)

L-R. Soldier with no benefits, Soldier dying to get the name of Commander-in-chiefs tailor, Soldier looking out for the truck of ammunition, Commander-in-chief, the tech guy, the tech guys omo ise.

 

If this reminder isn’t hotter than the first 2 wraps of hot amala i slapped you with, i dont what else is!!

 

Item 4

Baga or Charlie Hebdo Roulette…House Always wins!!

Once again we are faced with the issue of counting! Counting as in 1,2,3…un, deux, trois…ookan, eeji, eeta! So here’s the gist 12 people killed in France and over 2000 or so people killed in Baga. Not to say that the loss of one life is less than the loss of a thousand but the issue here was as to how Jona and his ‘boys’ decided to handle the matter.

How, You ask?

 

 

 

 

 

They did nothing… just like the space i left above! No condolence messages, no relief packages or even assistance from the FG to the Baga residents but rather one was issued to Paris with such swiftness you’d wonder if we were replying a bootycall text. Yet again Jona decided to pull a fast one on us to change our ‘undecided’ minds by deciding to visit Baga 3 weeks after the massacre, 3 weeks! Was he expecting some form of resurrection?  Jesus did 3 days, add African time and you get 3 weeks!

Item 5

Doyin Okupe, Reno Omokri and Reuben Abati…3 Idiots. A true life story.

Do i even need to justify this??

They don’t make em like this anymore…No, seriously they dont! This model of idiots have been recalled and discontinued. In the words of our elders, Pete Edochie and co, ‘the dodo in the middle is only but a reflection of the ororo around it’…so really, lets cut Jona some slack, He’s only as smart as he has been told to be..You know what, im starting to feel bad for him…

maybe we could vote for him…*dodges shoe*..chill guys, hear me out…*dodges new born baby*…JK! JK! I kid! i kid! Calm down.

There are obviously numerous issues which could have be racked up as failure against Jonathans’ Administration (Ignoring Dane Dame Jonathan as one of them) but one cannot argue that they’ve been totally useless, i would give his administration some credit on issues like combating inflation, privatisation of the pow…*dodges NEPA pole*…alright alright i get the picture!!!

On a more serious note though, i am not here to indirectly campaign for Buhari although i presume after the soft reminders provided above you’re not left with much of a choice, rather i just want to point out satirically the ills of the incumbent administration as the issues we considered is that of what he did not do and not what he did. Knowing humans especially Nigerians, Do one bad thing and you’re never remembered for the good things you’ve done.

I hope on Saturday we all go out there and vote the right choice, the sustainable choice, the choice you know you can live with years to come and one you’ll be proud to tell your children you made.

….at least something to console them with after reading your twitter TL and your IG and  your Tumblr and your snapchat and your facebook.

 

 

 

New Yah Post

Yo ninjas! We made it into 2013! Waaaachannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn*inhales*nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
You gotta be grateful to God tho…you know say you na sinner, me ehn, I gracefully accept that i’m one, don’t even get me started on the shii I did last year!

Tayo: it’s not like you posted a nude or something…?!

Mboy: *looks left, looks right*

Tayo: uhn?! You idiot, you did, didn’t you?!

Mboy: nah, wanted to buh I knew you’s a Lil b**ch!

Tayo: *exhales heavily* i really need to get an exorcist, before you finish my career.

******************************************************************************

Yes, yes I’m back again, you know say blogging no be problem…alright!

 Happy new year to you goiz first and foremost!

Shake it baby!

Give us some sugar, sugar!

I should appreciate you goiz for the support you’ve shown to this awesome space right hur in the past few months that i started this quest of impacting knowledge in your lives! Y’all touch my heart…in inappropriate places, just joking…but if you want to, please help yourself to myself..I joke, I joke, I kid. But seriously tho (-_-). You goiz are just too awesome for words, here’s a picture to show how awesome you goiz are…

Santa is black??

Oh you goiz….just too awesome!!

I should also apologize that this post is coming late, I kinda work for Adolf-reincarnated, so i’ve been swamped with paperwork (which i end up using to play x and o…with my self…and i always win!), but i’m here for you now and forever,till death do us apart or megan good wants the D. So as promised i’m hur again with some mind-blowing quantum gravitational mechanical  information to inundate your vast and presently stochastic sub-conscience  into the farthest continuum in space. (Achebe aint got nothing on me meh!) Yes…that was total bs.

So y’all made your new year resolutions and all sorts…drink less, curse less, eat eba less, stop wearing padded trousers and bra….bleh! Well we here at MSEB (Madarikan Society for Elites, Beeches!!) DO NOT BELIEVE IN RESOLUTIONS, its like PHCN or MTN coming up with new year resolutions…welcome to South Africa, capital BLEH!!
Well it has been brought to our attention that some of you started 2013 in this manner…

Happy new…oh f*ck it!

Alone, drunk and with a terrible fashion choice at that, explains your incessant need to make resolutions….wait a min, them boxers look familiar…Hey @chiefpositive??.

We here at MSEB love you goiz so much that we can’t stand seeing this happen to you so we decided to use our Tony Stark like research facilities and also with the help of #TeamForeverAlone scientists  to understand the intrinsic reasons why this unfortunate situation has molested the core of your very existence. A recent survey conducted by MSEB shows that about *insert some BS number here* % of you goiz are single and estimately another *insert some more B.S numbers here*% of you goiz are single and alone. You see there is a difference between being single and being single and alone…*insert  shitty explanation here*.

After conducting thorough research, hypothesis, observations and inferences have been made and we at MSEB have concluded that the reason for your alonenessnessness is as a result of a fear developed by misconceptions about the awesome species known as men. I shit you not, these misconceptions exist and are not to be toyed with.

So as a gift to you goiz, especially moi ladies *gives you the french perverted smile*, I have decided to post something for y’all. Sisturhs!! This one is for you.*holds mic in a ginuwine like stance and robs oil on body*

I AM A PHOTOSHOP BEAST, I KNOW RIGHT!!!

Misconception #1: Men are not emotional:  You see 5-10 years ago (which also coincides with the last time Arsenal won a trophy #justsaying) the idea that we, the guys, awesome species like ourselves were not emotional was easily the number 1 fact in a woman’s thought process  apart from E!, and that time of the month. Our logic/voice or as Van Persie would have it, the little boy in us, in contrast to a woman’s  emotion/voice built up a misconception that a brother didn’t garner feelings. On the contrary n*ggers be emotional now, all that’s left for us is to be rocking tampons. Shii, i know i cried my eyes out watching 7 pounds, Curious case of Benjamin Burton and Yemi my lover. .

oh Benjamin why, why??!

Touching movies i tell you.

Misconception #2: We like ’em thick

*Drooling* What was i talking about again?

Not necessarily, we like our women with a pulse. Let me not fool you for one second, the likes of Kim Kardashian (before she got knocked up), Beyonce, Alicia Keys and Lola luv etc are a sight for sore eyes and the proportion for breasteseses, thighs or ass will have many a man twist his neck , applaud and shout…

Some like ’em Big-momma-thick, Some like ’em Kate-moss-slim…me?? nah, nah, nah…i’m with Megan y’all.  But ultimately we like a woman with a pulse to be healthy, fit, balanced and comfortable in their own oori and groundnut oil groomed skin. Most of y’all get caught up in this misconception to the extent that y’all willing to intern at gbajabiamila diagnostic and surgery Centre to edit your body like you are playing Be a pro on Fifa so you could be conducive to what Nicki and well… Nicki feeds you on your proportionally big a*s screen (no pun intended). In retrospect, Ciara did more for brothers on that ride video than most video vixens do  (albeit through sex but Hey!). If you slim like Salma Hayek, fantastic. If you naturally thick like Toolz, brilliant. If you’re naturally slim like Amerie,wonderful. It doesn’t matter, we likes ya and we wants ya. Say no to plastic surgery, say yes to the gym.

Say No!

oh yeaaaah!!

Okay, this as a New year resolution, i would love to see!!

Misconception #3: We are scared of commitment: Uhm…how did this get hur again?? Moving on. You’d be better off at The naked convos for this sort of talk.

Misconception #4:  All they think about is sex: This is PREPOSTEROUSLY UNTRUE AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR SUCH!!…We also think about football, music, borli then sex *chops slap* Okay, who am i kidding, we think about sex a lot, but not as bad y’all make it out to be…

A – doing it while standng

B- doing it bending

C- doing it while C’ing

How i came up with that, i have no idea!

D- doing it cos she said ‘D’

What na??…. People have different ways of learning the alphabets.

Stop tryna zoom you perv!

Admittedly goiz take much pride in knowing about that time of the month *clears throat* so as to know when and when not to get busy, but we do think outside the bed box. Our research indicates that while the getting busy aspect is crucial and integral to most male species tho its only 5-45 mins (P.R) a night ( or every two nights, or a week, or at worst a month, God forbid a year!)  they need more to think about like feeling the solidity of a relationship (awwwwwhatever!). You will find that the we care about the nurturing, conversation, love and other things you do more than getting busy…we are still G’s yo! Then there’s football, music and borli.

Misconception #5: All men cheat: Well *scratching head*, its been like that since time immemorial. Remember Adam and Eve?  where did you think Adam went while Eve was wacking apple….ahaaa, you are getting me. Definitely not to shoprite na.  Buy detergent to wash kini? Leaf abi.  Lets be real tho, not all men cheat, want to know why?….we are too busy playing FM, Fifa 13 and COD…shii is intense. Any guy that cheats, i promise you doesn’t have a console. If you want to stop your man…say it after me…your man…not cindys man,or bose or ada or quincy or vicky or bolanle or kadeejahs man…your man! from cheating and giving you all the love you require,  Buy.Him. A.Console. (preferably a ps3, a wii is asking for a breakup so don’t ifun tink it woman!). If he already has a console and still persists with the criminal act called cheating, babe the problem is YOU and its either one of the following;

1. You wanted to look like this

L-R Cindy,Bose, Ada, Quincy, Vicky, Bolanle, Kadeejah

but you ended up looking like this…

Nice A.Cs up there

OR

2.  Number 1.

If this is your case. Please wait for the next Mayan prediction and play the ‘I don’t want to die a virgin’ card. Thank you.

So that’s all folks! *chewing kuli kuli*  5 Misconceptions about the species called mehhhhh men. Sisturhs now that you’ve got your facts about men straight go get yours now! *throws baba dudu into mouth*

********************************************************************

I just gave relationship advice…next on line, talk show beeches, then i move to banana island then i buy a Porsche then i eat sushi everyday! muhahahaha!!

*Van helsing walks in with koboko and bucket of water*

Tayo: That’s him!! Wipe him koboko!

I’m out y’all, don’t forget to scroll up, hit that follow button! And most importantly Happy new year goiz! Wish you all the best this year!

*wheeeeeekpa*

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tales of the Legendary Warriors

Hiya faithful ( jobless) readers! Welcome once again to The tales of a Madarikan Boy, where we make your dreams, fantasies and miracles come true *pushes back gelled hair and dusts white tux*…giving you tales beyond your wildest imagination and uhm…forgotten what I ought to say here…uhm…curing erectile dysfunction?…no that’s not right, wrong blog…lemme think…oh yeah! Granting your every wish, blah blah. Lets just pretend I said something touching there and you went….awwww. Alright  lets cut to the chase, i’m not here to stroke your mental genitals. I’m a psycho (talented one tho) and you’re bored. We collide and voila!…a blog is born! Simples!  So I have painstakingly taking time out of my busy schedule *tucks Archie magazines away* to give you yet another mind-blowing tale like you’ve never heard, so get your akpotis (thats stool, for my yellow-people tribe) boli, epa and open your ignorant minds (you thought the Mayans actually existed, you know you deserved that) to the Tale of the Legendary Warriors.

DISCLAIMER: I cannot be held liable for the misconstruction of the original tales being told here.

*********************************************************

The Tale of  the Legendary Warriors.

In a far far away Land…yes, after Kano. There was a Kingdom named Singatoporia ruled by a King and a king. Go figure.The people of Singatoperia loved him all the same, swing bothways, high, low or charriot. N*ggers and b*tches loved him anyways. King akpata’aye was smart and partial in administering justice all over the nation. He ruled  with such wisdom that he was the envy of other Kingdoms. But all credit could not be accorded to him for he had in his disposal The Legendary Warriors of Singatoperia.

TO THE RESCUE!

Uhm…that doesn’t look right. Wrong picture, here they are…

Sup??

(From L-R, AtnasdiliChuku, Afiaporo, Ognasmere and The last dude(can’t remember his name)  )

They had different powers with which they kept singatoperia safe. Atnas could fly, increase or reduce in body masss, this acquired him the admiration of everyone but most especially the kids. Afiaoporo could see into the future and make possible whatever he imagined with his mind. Ognasmere could manipulate thunder and well the last dude could…lets just say he had a boner a kingdom could not ignore.

King Akpa’taye ruled for so long that he became so comfortable while his rule transformed into that of a dictatorial rule. And like all demanding dictators, he wanted it all. The lands, the gold and the booty (by booty I mean thick masculine black yansh). N*gger was twisted!

Calm down franky.

King Akpata’aye became greedy and wanted something he couldn’t have.

BRING THE BOOTY!

He wanted the last dudes booty cos he heard a rumour that once you tap that, good fortune falls on you, but we all know that’s not why he wanted to hit that. Dude was just sick like that. Well, the last dude was in a serious relationship (according to his facebook profile)  with Atnasdilichuku, the leader of the Legendary warriors and Atnas wasn’t ready to give up on that booty. At least not without a fight. But you see, Atnas was a strong warrior but amongst other things a perv.

Twisted kingdom right.

The last dude had heard rumours of Atnas’s escapades and this broke his heart and made lucid some other body parts. With revenge in his heart, he hoooked up with King Akpata’aye and this went for a while.

I’m sure at this point you are asking what about the other two warriors…were they straight or like every other twisted citizen of the singatoperia kingdom having an orgy? Well they weren’t.

Sorry Franky.

Ognas was a power driven junkie and afiaporo on the other hand was a pawn answering to Ognas’s every demands. Sounds familiar…hmmmnnnn.

No, not them, can’t put my finger on it.

Ognas plotted and waited patiently as he knew what was going on between King Akpata’aye and The last dude. With the help of afiaoporo the royal ass bashing was exposed to Atnas. Atnas was furious about this but he didn’t want to believe this without any real proof. Atnas got the proof alright….

you get the picture? (no pun intended)

Blazed with anger he killed the king and his lover with a swipe of his fist. This was seen as treachery by the Kingdom and Atnas was to be sentenced to death by Tontofication (listening to the horrible screeching of Tonto dikeh). Ognas had gotten what he wanted by exposing them all and he was crowned the new King of Singatoporia. On the day of Atnas’s execution, he was nowhere to be found. Vanished into thin air.
Ognas was confused and angered. He knew someone had let him go, but who. Lo and behold it was Afiaporo. You see Afiaporo had always loved Atnas.

Very Twisted Kingdom I swear.

Afiaporo could not stand to see Atnas be beheaded so he secretly set him free after giving the guardsmen blowjobs.

Sick I tell you.

But one of the guardsmen who was also in cohorts with Ognas (bed wise) exposed this to Ognas. Ognas was devastated, frustrated, and emasculated. He couldn’t stand the betrayal so he ordered the beheading of Afiaporo. Afiaporo was beheaded and this brought grief in the hearts of the Kingdom.

Oh the horror…Close your eyes kids.

Atnas was long gone so he never heard of the dastardly act committed by Ogans.

Ognas was feared and he ruled with such stern ability for he was the only straight n*gger in Singatoporia. Ognas ashamed of his past as a rebel against the once great King akpata’aye changed his name to Sango and thus began the story of Sango.

I saw you checking out my yansh!

Atnas, heartbroken took refuge far away from Singatoporia, in the ice regions for he knew Ognas was still searching for his head. Atnas took a new identity, grew beards and from then on was known as Santa. Atnas out of his “love” for children decided to start giving presents to kids once every year. He just couldn’t kick that old habit of his.

Perv oshi.

Bad santa…Bad santa

Afiaporo was honored by the gods and made one of them. He is now popularly known as Ifa coined from the first three alphabets of his name.

The End.

Wtf did i just read??

There you have it the true story behind Santa, Sango, Ifa and the last dude. I didn’t want to tell y’all kids the truth about Santa’s true identity before Christmas before you go and commit suicide. Well now you know, Santa is just a sick old muscular pedophile.

That has to be one of the shittiest posts I have come up with so far, but you have to admit the action, romance and drama got you going. What can I say, unemployment is a b*tch!

Till next Thursday I remain yours Madarikan Boy. Out! *drops trousers and mic*

Tayo:This boy needs help!

Mboy: F*ck you!

5 Ways to tell if the P is worth setting

Yo Madarikanians! (Sounds like something from smallville…’Madarikanians’). Another week has gone by and i cannot but say its been tough. All that’s happening is more or less like asserting the fact that the world ends tomorrow. And i still haven’t hooked up with Megan Good o without the help of va…never mind *clears throat*. I would like us to observe a moment of silence in respect of those that have lost their lives all over the world, Syria, Turkey, Connecticut, and Bayelsa. My prayers are with their families and affected. *lock phone screen*

I know you did not observe that minute of silence. Stubborn child. It’s children like you that will enter names of noise makers tomorrow after they blow the trumpet. So I’m here again with my awesomeness! My gama ray awesomeness. The idea that Barney has in his head…yeah, that idea of awesomeness was as a result of him taking a whiff while i was shitting. I swear if I was to be paid for my awesomeness I would have hired Alex Ferguson to be playing Football Manager for me…

Tayo: Rantings of a deluded boy *smh*

MBoy: Pata aye o! this mad man has come here again o.

Tayo: uhm…we share the same body Einstein!

MBoy: ya teacher too!

Tayo: you amaze me. Oya sha proceed, your stupidity ingenuity intrigues me.

MBoy: you shall soon vacate this body…so if you like speak Mayan sef.

See what i battle with all day…soon sha *evil smile*. I do have to say its a pleasure being able to sit down and project my insanity on this computer and you all read it.  Although the pleasure would have been on par with an orgasm if there was money to be ‘channelled’ into a ‘Madarikan heart foundation for the less privileged’…hmmnn…*lightbulb*…my next post. *insert smiley*.

So here i am again, typing away on my laptop, waiting for divine intervention to come up with something to write that makes sense…wait o, i wanted to write about something, what was it again… *flips through blogging for dummies*

Tayo: Revenue allocation; A panacea?

MBoy: Uhn? Na STD ?

 Tayo: Never mind, just scroll up and look at your title Einstein

Mboy: ya papa too!

*scrolls up* Oh yeah! 5 ways to tell if the P is worth setting! Being the Madarikan Boy, the chosen one, yes thank you, there comes so  much power and you know they say with great power comes great recommendation

Tayo: Its responsibility Einstein

MBoy: Guy no dey insult my papa again!

Tayo: You do know we have the same father so yeeeah insulting him, not a good idea.

Na you know o! You see brethren some sisters make it difficult to dersifa sorry decipher (that’s the ibadan in me) if the P is worth setting. You see if a bro can be preemptive in the art of setting  P the world would be a better place. With the help of a group of hard working scientists and the latest operating system software, Windows Ifa 2013,  It gives us great honor to present to you *drumroll*

5 ways to tell if that P is worth Setting 

*Plays Paramount theme song*

(In order to enjoy this post kindly invoke the Morgan Freeman voice in you head to read this. Thank you.)

1. If she looks anything or even remotely close to the following people:

My first wife

My second wife

I know, I know. It doesn’t necessarily mean ugly girls don’t stand a chance of getting a good man like us ehn. It just means that they don’t stand a chance of getting good men like us. Although there are exceptions to this rule,

‘if one part of her body is similar to that of the aforementioned subjects then the P is considered settable but the body part in question is limited to the following;

• Eyes
• Lips
• Breast
• Yansh

Another factor to be considered is the nose, if she has a nose like that of buffalo the bull (noses that can never shrivle under the African sun) please my brother the only P you should be setting is the P on your phone when you text her ‘Please excuse yourself from my life’ . You think i’m being racist abi. On the contrary i am giving you prophetic advice, you ask why. A thick unshrivled (permit me to use that word) African nose is mostly used as a weapon of intimidation when expanded by the female and need i say it makes a good hiding spot. Imagine the gold, secrets and even men that could be hidden inside!

Lose something?

2. If the female understands the wit and brilliance of any sport: Before i proceed, i would like to clearly specify what we here at the Madarikan society of the elites (only people with swegu allowed) regard as sports.

‘Sports: All physical activities that result in the use of ‘balls’, hands, and legs.

The reason for this I’m sure is self-explanatory. And before you ask we do not consider Badminton as a sport. Using a feather to do anything outside the bedroom is GAY! Nahmean! If the female can identify the beauty in sports, trust me she can understand the beauty in other balls apart from that played on the pitch or court. Setting P with such a female is not only worth it but is self-fullfilling.  You miss a match, no need to exhaust your data checking YouTube, just ask your babe

Now that’s sports *grabs popcorn, lotion and socks*

3. If the female is a Padma Lakshmi wannabe: Calm down, shes not your Bollywood crush. For you to understand my plight in this instance, here’s a picture;

My cook

I know you are wondering why this is a separate point from the first above, let me explain. You see, Padma, not only fulfills the categories above but also another category i hold dear to my heart and stomach. She’s hot, she cooks and have i mentioned that she’s hot? Every man’s dream!  This is a very important factor in determining a settable P. If the female in consideration considers Coldstone, Barcelos and in some utterly sad cases sweet sensation as accommodation, you’d be better off getting another female on sin city, twitter. But if she considers Padma as a role model, n*gger put that ring on it!

4. If the female does not belong to the yellow-people tribe:  The yellow people tribe? We all know who they are, No?,  they run computer village, Alaba and the now defunct Yaba market. Basically they are the Mafia. Please do not confuse the yellow-people tribe with the Igbos. The Igbos are a unique race yet to be fully understood. Now, the yellow-people tribe are usually seen performing jobs such as block lifting, sportsmen in agege bread eating contests (taking home the baboon d’or since its inception) and  sometimes sorry excuses for actor turn musicians. The yellow-people tribe are not to be toyed with, neither is their insatiable hunger for Eba. So be warned. Here is their Ambassador;

Its POKO Baby! YPT!

If you eventually find yourself in such a situation and you are faced with the dilemma of having to tell the female to excuse herself from your mental, physical and spiritual proximity, fear not, we here at  the Madarikan Society for the elite (yes, forms are still being sold o) ,  kindly go to your nearest Game store and purchase 5 original DVDs, do not remove price tags and place on the main table in your house . I assure you all will be well.

5.If the female can administer the Best of Judgement test:  The Best of Judgement test for short BJ test  is a test which dates far back to…waaaait…what were you thinking?! And you plan on going to heaven tomorrow abi?! I laugh my left testicle away!  It dates back to the 1900s, when men were legally allowed to have concubines (Good times). The wives of then (God bless their souls) invented what is called the BJ, when a man was done with the concubine, the BJ was administered by the wives to rid them of whatever guilt they had. True story bro. Such a wonderful world then. If you find yourself with a female able and willing to administer the BJ test, bro do the universe a favor and SET THAT P! Damburouba! Ka jiko?!.

So there you have it brethren! If you meet a female who qualifies on all categories stated above. Please for the love of humanity and the survival of our race set that moraf**king P! Thats all from the Madarikan Boy! By the way Happy Last day of the world in advance! Just so you know the next post would be coming to you straight from the pearly white gate so if you get the chance to read it, you made it n*gger! See you on the other side! Madarikan Boy out *carries Quran and starts reading*

P.S: That reminds me we got Madrid, OMO NA DIE O!

My Bowl List

My name is Persie, Van Persie!

Does this not make you shiver at night? Does it not make you forget about the world crisis! When Persie steps up for a freekick! That feeling when he scored was awesome! I could swear some dude beside me had an orgasm, while shouting! ‘

‘GOOOOOOOAAAARGREGGUBOBJUSDCLLL!’

Then this happened!

You know Madarikan Boy must not carry last, so I caught up with the Times Magazines man of the moment, no not Tyga (you win a porn award, you think you deserve recognition from even the pope, mscheew!) I’m talking about Joe Hart. My man! Trying to save that free-kick like it was his sole purpose on this planet. Here’s what he had to say;

*plays skyfall*

I could totally understand why one would be in such a disposition; I got in touch with some of my contacts, all former goal keepers and asked what they all thought about what Mr Persie did to Joe Hart, here’s what they had to say;

So that’s all for the latest update on the world of sports.

Tayo: I no know when you turn to complete sports o!

Mboy: You dey mad ni? Na you get blog?!

Tayo: I know say you don dey smoke something

Mboy: Ode! I will Manny your ass n*gger!

James: My name is bond, James Bond!

Mboy:  Dafuq?! Who call this one to matter na??!

Tayo: Ah! O fe pa Mr Bond

Mboy:That asewo of a human being, MI6 be recruiting  asewos! N*ggers that belong on Allen!  Mscheew!

Maadarikan faithfuls waddup! I know y’all missed me, don’t me mind me ehn. Was chilling with HughH at the mansion. Picking the cover girls for December edition and shii.. then I went skydiving with Felix, cray n*gger! So it’s December already!

Wonder where the remaining 11months went ?

Uhn?!

Warisdisna?

Noooo, please, its all coming back now!

Please stop, please! Please!

haaaaa…thank you!

So it’s December and you know it’s definitely going down considering that the world ends on…what was it again..December 21st I think. I feel bad for you if that’s your birthday cos you go spend ehn! Shaye for boys for birthday and last day on the planet! If na me na  Monk temple I go celebrate am. No booze, No babes!

People go drink their life savings commot o( Americans the clinically idotic ones that is) .  Just in case those f*ckers, IcePrince’s cousins are right I have come up with my Bowl list…

Tayo: 😮 Oga, which one is Bowl list na?

MBoy: open ya mouth there ‘whichwaneesbowlistna’. I know you will talk, mscheew! Is common sense na, bucket is when you have more than 30days to live and bowl is when you have less than 30days, so in this case it is bowl! Simples!

Tayo: ehen…I thought bucket was because when you die they say you kicked the bucket.

Mboy: Olodo! How will you know when it’s breast you’ll be looking at in Class. How is it even possible we share the same body, God! smh

So back to what I was saying, my bowl list. I came up with a few things to do before I migrate from this world to heaven (Baba God, you know i’ve been faithful ehn). Oya bring out biro,  paper and write.

Tayo: they are reading it on their phones, pcs and tabs, they don’t need to jot na, they can just save the page…

Tayo: Nothing sir

Oya open your mind and be educated Madarikanians!

1. Meet SAF: YES! This has to be number one on my list. MEET.SIR.ALEX.FERGUSON. So I can congratulate him on finally planning to sell that FOOL Nani and to also ask if he would let me play on his team in heaven. HPL!!. I would also suggest that we buy Torres and use him as an example of what happens to strikers if they do drugs. YOU.DON’T.SCORE.EVEN.ON.FIFA.

2. Marry Megan Good: My love for Megan Good…hmmmnn…only if she knew. I’ve spent nights with her but when I wake up, she’s gone. Like she was never there.

Tayo: here’s a crazy thought, maybe she wasn’t actually there cos it was happening in your head just like this conversation we are having.

*Waka*

Megan Good love! Maybe I should sing a song about her waist then I’ll get her attention. Iyanya and yvonne sorry tonto!

3.Become a Vampire: See them jumping, they think I am talking about those Desmoind Elliot wannabe vampires in Twilight and Vampire diairies. I laugh my kidney away! Real Bloodsucking Gs don’t deal with feelings and shii…Nahmean! Real Bloodsucking Gs suck your blood from any part of your body (if you get what I mean) and don’t give 4^1/2 f*cks about your feelings!  That’s why Twilight and Vampire Diaries is a no go for moi

Tayo: But you were crying when Bella found out she had to leave Nez with Jacob na

Haa! Alakooba! I swear I will kill you if you talk one more time! Don’t mind him o abeg, my seat was dusty so there was dust in my eye. Y’all know real madarikan Gs don’t cry na. You! I will get back to you later. Yeah back to the vampire talk. Having those sexy fangs, super speed, shine shine body, red eyes. Omo na to go meet Beckham agent remain.

Tayo: You know that’s twilight right…

4. Find out who Ted’s wife is: 8 seasons na! And we still don’t know who gave birth to these wonderful children that have been patient enough to listen to their fathers perverted escapades with all the women in New York before he meets their mother. 8 seasons! Hian! God knows me I would have stood up to say I want to shit! Na until Season 16 una go see me!  Does it not trouble you at night, Who is Ted’s wife? Is she even Human? Maybe she could be Barney’s long lost sister? Is she even a woman, could be a guy….arggghhh!!! UN please do something about this issue that has been plaguing my mind!

5.Be an Arsenal fan for a day: For it is then that I shall know patience that comes with suffering.

Oh Arsenal fans, fear not, there is a place for you in heaven for the pain and suffering you have gone through in your time on this Arsene-Wenger cursed planet, shall not go unrewarded brethren .

Not the HPL o, stop jonzing!

‘I am sure  if the Mayans could feel the pain of ‘WE’ Arsenal fans, they would reconsider the proposed date and factor this fact into their calculations. Probably giving us until 2015′ says Piers Morgan. After I read this, I was touched and decided that I wanted to be an Arsenal fan,  just for a day. To experience the suffering that makes one this strong. Abeg o just a day ni mo soo o!

6. Pray for forgiveness: Omo! I gas o! I don sin for this life. Gone are the days of me doing prince of persia over my neighbours fence to see his beauriful hausa daura! Fine chicito like this! Sweetim!  Okay on a real tho it’s all about God and because of your love for God you will help a n*gger by contributing towards a n*ggers dream of marrying Megan Good. Help share this post so I can finally be with the love of my life. Nna ehn?!

Tayo: see you o! You wee not goan find your size. Wetin you fit give am sef, u think it is by Barcelos bread and 1500 rice at the place ehn. Dead guy!

 

I swear I wee kill you today!!! Come here!

Anyways that’s all for now good people. Enjoy the last 11days on the planet! Pick up a cause, pray, live, love, be loved and most importantly eat Boli and Epa! Till we meet in heaven I remain yours presidentially Madarikan Boy!

Madarikan Boy out!

Gandalf: Are you ready for a journey beyond these lands?

Mboy: You early gaan o